You see me out at the shows or at the bar and I am wild, I am drinking, I am flirtatious and spontaneous... This is the girl I should have been in my 20's that I never let run free, and now I am 33 and I wonder if I am past the point of this being... okay. I am a late bloomer. The past few times I have been out with friends and I feel that numby, silly, 3rd PBR feeling in my mouth I start to hear myself repeating "there has to be a better way, there has to be a better way..." If I don't go out, I won't meet someone new. And I want to meet someone new. But the someone new I will meet will meet drunk, "going out" me. This has happened several times, I meet someone and I flirt, maybe kiss and then i wonder why nothing came of it. Nothing came of it because no one wants to fall in love with the funny wild drunk girl with the "look"; they just want her to want them and then go home with the girl next door. I will never be the girl next door. Unless you live next door to me (Amos), in which case, you know I can be just as ridiculous at home.
There are people that have had bad shit happen in their lives and lived through terrible traumas or searing heartbreaks and been able to, I dunno, go for a run? go to church? throw themselves into a project at work? ... and get through it. I think I was out the day they handed out coping skills. I live in denial, I taught myself to drink (even thought it was only January of last year, at age 32 that i got drunk for the first time in my life,) I ramble incessantly on blogs and journals and i write bittersweet love songs. But mostly I drink and I focus on the music. Your music. By the way; Dear local (and not so local) bands of the triangle, thank you for keeping me sane and keeping me alive this past year. I honestly don't know what I would have done some days if I didn't have you to look forward to.
I was during this show, Free Electric State, that I had this moment of clarity. I spent the entire next day (Sunday) on my couch nursing a hangover and coming to the Divine conclusion that I am ready to be someone different. Or rather, I am ready for you all to see me the way i see myself. I want to be respected, I want to be a good friend, I want to be recognized as a true artist, I want to be reliable, I want to be admired, and I want to be kind. No more hiding behind beer cans and elaborate gestures. No more climbing on top of bar stools and dive-bomb kissing band members... I'm not the party girl, I never really was. I was trying it on like a new pair of shoes; I walked around in it for a bit, I stretched them out, but this is so last season. I want to be who I am now. And here's the irony, I'm nice. I'm really nice. And before my body changed so drastically, I used to think that being told I was "nice" was the kiss of death, the most banal and socially redundant way you could describe someone. The fat girl never wants to hear "nice", she wants "pretty" and "sexy" and i suppose I spent the past 2 years tyring to prove to myself I was more than nice. And I guess i did "pretty" for long enough, now I really want people to remember that I'm nice.
I support my friends and family in whatever they need, I am loyal to the point of absurdity. I stop for animals in the road, I am exceedingly kind to the elderly and I love children. I will help you carry heavy things, I will give you my last dime, I will cry with you if you need me to. I don't want people to look at me as see the flailing drunk girl in the corner anymore; I want them to see the me that I see, that my very best friends see. I want the world to see me the way J9 and Roo see me; and I haven't quite figured out why I was keeping her a secret from all of you, I was ashamed, I had low self-esteem, I was lazy. But It was at this show, Dear sweet Free Electric State with your blazing hot rock 'n' roll, melting my face off with the same kind of intensity and purity that keeps me going back to see you over and over again, you were the one that turned on the light.
This might be the kindest, most appreciative review I've ever done, although to the average joe it may seem like the most obscurely unwarranted and totally left field... I hope the band gets it... This was the show were I finally had the epiphany my friends and I have been dying for me to have. It was FES's music that turned on the light. The new songs, no I didn't know them, but my ears were throwing a party. (My facebook status update for this show was: "Actual text to Roo: "Free elec state is having raunchy sex with my earholes") My face ached from smiling... I loved it. And I knew I wanted to give Shirlé, Nick, David and Tony the respect of my total adoration that their music deserved, I hope it showed all over my face. I had seen FES several times before, but this time was different, this time was reverent and life changing. I can chalk it up to timing, fate, or the hand of God, but I'm gonna give you guys this one: Free Electric State changed my life.
love you guys... until next time!
and trust: there will be a next time! xoxox
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