Life Review: July 22, 1977 - Present.

Not a show review, FYI. Completely personal; proceed with caution and an open mind.

One thing I can say for myself; I have lived a very complex and extraordinary life. On paper, sure, it may look a little lack-luster; I've traveled, I've loved, I've met some famous folks; but overall nothing mind-blowing to most. But the best part of me, one of the things I like the most anyway, is my ability to read through the lines and see the depth and magnitude of every single beautiful moment of life for what it is. I have been blessed with the gift of perspective. I have lived through enough trauma, death, pain, ecstasy, bliss and therapy to accept and face every decision I have ever made with no regrets. And trust me, I know I have made some terrible decisions, but I have learned one of the greatest lessons I think life has to teach us all: I am accountable for my own actions. I take full responsibility.

Sometimes I, and my closest friends, struggle to understand why I would knowingly allow so much pain or manipulation into my life; but one part of the lesson I only recently learned and understood about myself is that I look at every single person I have ever been gifted to meet as another opportunity for life to prove to me that humanity is good; That people are like me, that love is a priority and God works through us and not just around us. And when i get most down, when I get the most hurt or confused, it is because someone betrayed this belief. It is because someone forgot how precious their lives are and how much good and love they have to offer to the universe. I hurt *for* them, for squandering their lives and love, for taking time for granted. I hurt because sometimes others forget how easy it is to be kind.

So sure, I may not volunteer as much as I should, I may not tithe/donate as much as I could, I may not adopt hordes of stray dogs or attend church regularly; but I smile when I know I shouldn't. I give the seemingly very worst people every benefit of the doubt. I have no limit to my level of forgiveness. I never hold grudges. I give my love and my heart freely to anyone who asks it of me. I know this is the best part of me. This is the part I am sure that my closest friends and my truest love know all to well; they have watched me suffer for others so many times; be used, be hurt, be taken for granted. But I know I will never stop, my faith in the human heart is parallel to my faith in God. It is something I don't even bother to question; like gravity. It is as natural to me as breathing.

My 34th year on this planet has so far proven to be one of the most humbling and beautiful experiences of my life so far. In the past, birthdays become a horrendously depressing experience for me, spanning weeks before and rising to a frenzy of anxiety and anguish the day of; I start questioning my contribution to humanity. What have I done? I am no one's wife or mother; I am alone and in debt. I work a job that is completely inconsequential that only contributes to my struggling bank account. I tend to forget everything I just said before this paragraph and I get really selfishly down on myself. And that's all depression really is, you know? The ultimate manifestation of egotism. Who am I to think my life and my brain is really more important than anyone else's? I am not a mother, but I am a daughter. I am not a wife, but I am a friend. I am grateful to have a job and a car. I am thankful for the gifts I have earned or have been given.

Perspective is beautiful, but it can also be torture. the constant tickle in the back of your brain that reminds you of your impermanence, that every moment is sacred, to give everything at all times or you are wasting your space and your resources. When i start feeling idle, bored or useless; that's when i get down. So far, this year, and yes I know it's only been a couple days, I feel at peace. I feel this serene acceptance that whatever comes next; I am ready. I have been preparing my whole life for it. There is something in my heart telling me that this is going to be the best and most significant year of my life. Maybe this is the year I finally figure out what I want to be when i grow up. Maybe I finally feel the truest love of my life. Maybe I win the lottery. Maybe I die. The possibilities are endless and I am ready and I am sure it will be amazing and I will be in control when it happens. I will be okay.

I know I am a few shows behind; but this needed to come out of me first. I needed to make it here before I could continue. The reviews will continue and we will return to our regularly scheduled program shortly. thank you for being here, for reading this, for being my friend, for loving me, for tolerating me, for needing me, for never taking me for granted, for understanding me, for surprising me, for being a part of my life no matter how seemingly insignificant. I only hope I can one day find the voice and strength to express to the world how grateful I am to be a part of it; to be a part of you all.

God bless and thank you for a wonderful birthday.
xoxo
karla anne

Come Birthday With Me and My Three Fav-o Bands!

Hey all - if you've ever wanted to Party down with me, my god, here is your chance to see me lose my ever-loving mind with bliss... this coming Thursday night at Tir Na Nog my three favorite local bands are on the lineup: GRAY YOUNG, FREE ELECTRIC STATE, and BIRDS AND ARROWS!

But the best part is? At the stroke of midnight, signifying the turn of the 21st into the GLorious day of July 22nd, It shall be my birthday. I have it on supposedly good authority that The Gary Youngs will be on stage at this time (FINGERS CROSSED!) So please, join me!


BEST LBLB EVER!

REPRESENT!

Fucked Up with JEFF the Brotherhood - King's - 06/28/11

I’m struggling to decide if I should explain my brief absence and dramatically pathetic audio post from a few weeks ago.  I thought if I didn’t acknowledge it and pretend I didn’t have a little breakdown of sorts, then maybe you all would forget, too… No one forgets. I don’t know why I assume Raleigh is forgiving or compassionate. Maybe it is, maybe I’ve aligned myself with the last handful of people in town who can tolerate my depression. Maybe the rest of you are too busy worrying about your own to worry about mine. Maybe the rest of you are too busy being pretentious assholes/people with actual lives to even bother to read this blog; this is the most likely situation. Or rather, the most likely situation is that no one cares. I get so worked up worrying about what people think of me when the truth of the matter is, no one has to worry about me but me and everyone else is just too worried about themselves to care if I’m sad for no reason or not.

 This is, if you didn’t know, a personal blog, first and foremost. This began as an exercise in passion. Just to see if I could do it, really. I can do it. I just lost focus for a minute. I let outside influences or competitions or 10 pounds blow me out of the water and I’m useless. Then I hear the right song or I see the right people or I spend the right amount of time alone and resting and I’m fine. So that’s what I did; I’m fine. I was sad for a minute, now I’m fine. I’m slowly emerging from my cave of sorrows and seeing some damned shows.

 Another one of those shows I knew would be an utter shitshow throwdown in which i trucked up into alone, assuming I'd know everyone there - wrong. I knew a good handful of people on sight (the usual Kings Cast of Characters) but not a lot of "good friends"; and then those always ever present two or so ex-dudes or hookups that make me want to smash my face into the wall because i can't facepalm hard enough. then that handful of guys that hover around and stare at me, but never speak, like i am so gorgeous and intimidating. whatever. I updated my facebook status as something like "Total pickleparty up in Kings right now. dudes like to rage, hey." ...people liked it; dudes liked it.  It was true. I was in the extreme vaginic minority at this show.

I eventually ran into my friend Christopher, with whom I shared the majority of my commentary with, he had some good lines which i will probably paraphrase. aka steal.

First up was JEFF the brotherhood. not really sure what to describe these guys as; as soon as I thought i had it pegged like a minimal punk outfit, they busted into this random-ass new wave-ish sounding song, which made me instantly become brainwashed into believing I liked them a whole lot. But then it was back to their original sound. They ended (ish) their set with a song that had lyrics to the effect of "my mom told me i could grow up to be anything i wanted, so i grew up to be A WOMAAAAAAAAAAN" (something like that.) and I had a very confused puppy look/head tilt for a minute there. Chris was back behind me so i couldn't necessarily confer with him what I had heard. I can barely hear anyway, so I just took it as it was. This guy might be trans, which of all people, you know I am down with (i have 6 straight friends, you know who you are.) but its best not to assume. I know all about art for art's sake, so hey, maybe this line was written in character. I don't know why I am harping about this one line so much, it just stuck out to me a lot.

The long and short of this is; I was very interested in this band, and I would be interested to see them again in about a year to assess what kind of band they morph into next. I think they need to decide who they are a little more, which is odd to say as they have been picked up by labels and stuff. Bully for these guys! but Chris said something, what was it? something like "these guys are like white stripes meets mudhoney" and then we had to talk about Daisy Chainsaw for a bit because Katie Jane Garside is my hero in every way and I told them how I am trying to subconsciously manipulate one of my current band projects into something very Queen Adreena-esque. God willing. 

So, Fucked Up. This is not a band I rock on a consistent rotation on my ipod, this is a band I knew would put on a tip top extremely high energy show that was not to be missed. And I knew that whatever side of the fence i was leaning towards on this band seeing them live would push me over one side or t'other.

amazing Chris-quote before the show started: "fucked up is like iggy pop screaming over the Who's Next." god damned brilliant. why cant i come up with lines like that? No, I have to use lines that include the word "pickleparty". I will never be a real writer.

So after my toe-demolishing experience at 506 with Guitar Wolf and being so irritatingly annoyed with the testosterone explosion of rage that engulfed the first 15ft in front of that stage, I was looking forward to a hardcore show at Kings again; a venue I knew and trusted to take care of its women-folk that needed to be handled a little more gently. no such luck. I think, although I can't be sure, that this was an all ages show. That, or i have finally reached that old age where anyone under the age of 24 looks like a 17 year old to me. God help me. So, the problem here was, i think, the immaturity and overall show-ignorance of the crowd. There was no room for girls at this show. Every time i tried to get anywhere into the middle of it, i was getting full-on toe-crushed and elbowed. I don't know if it's because I straight-up got spoiled at Valient Thorr, or maybe Fucked Up just brought that level of spasticity out of these guys, but this was not a lady-friendly show.

That being said, however, the performance itself was pretty awesome. I toppled over the fence onto the "fan fo lyfe" side after this show. and it honestly wasn't necessarily because of the music alone, which was, obviously pro; but because of the overall genuine-ness of Damian Abraham. Every preconceived notion you would have about this man on sight alone is shitty and wrong of you. tsk! He has a vocal prowess and confidence bigger than his magnificently shiny man-tits. It's like he had an invisible magic wand to whip the crowd into a manic frenzy with the slightest word or gesture. he let the crowd sing half of almost every song, holding his mic out to the sea of sweaty dudes and letting them join in the band. For the tiniest moment, every boy within the first 5 of feet of the stage was an unofficial member of Fucked Up. It was very adorable, in a really gross, sweaty way.

The best part of this show, as someone not quite as familiar with their live shows, and maybe this is standard, but how appreciative these guys were. Between almost every song, Damian made sure to tell the crowd over and over how happy they were to be here and be with us and to share their music with us. I really hope these guys never lose this. I really like bands with an understanding of how easy it is for it to all just go away.

Other than Monotonix, I've never seen any other band take advantage of the SPACE of Kings the way Fucked Up did. That was pretty rad. After all was said and done, Damian jumped into the crowd and hugged anyone who wanted a big sweaty grateful hug. I sho-nuff took advantage of this opportunity.

Speaking of "real writers"; read a for-real review of the show here written by my friend Grayson Currin:

Fucked Up: Live, sweaty, glorious

STYX - Koka Booth Amphitheatre - 06/23/11

It was never my intention to go see Styx. I didn't buy tickets, I wasn't counting down the days... I didn’t even know there was such a concert happening; and neither did you. This was a corporate sponsored event, arranged and paid for by one company as an appreciation celebration for their employees. I don’t think it’s wise of me to say which company, and to be honest, I had never heard of this company before the event, but this company is very awesome to its employees, let’s just say that much. Styx is a band that I, as a child growing up in the 80s, took for granted that I just happened to know every song. It would have never occurred to me to go see them play live, until the opportunity just happened to fall into my lap.

This show is a little different than any other review I’ve written – I didn’t see this show, I worked it. My amazing friend, Michele, usually works backstage part time for some local venues such as the DPAC, Walnut Creek or Koka booth, and was unable to work this function as she was going out of town (ironically, to see U2. Ahhhhh!) She called and asked if I would be interested in giving it a shot, as she knew I had lots of backstage/show experience from college and from being an overall music/show nerd.  I immediately jumped on the opportunity; not only was the money good, but the whole idea of it – backstage with rockgods and Superstars of my 80s childhood? Mr Roboto? Dude, Cool.

I arrived at Koka Booth around 11:30am and met up with Dave, whom everyone calls “Clem” (shortened last name nickname) and who is, without a doubt, one of the kindest, hardest working dudes I have ever met. I instantly wanted to cuddle him and do whatever he asked of me. He promptly introduced me to Buck and told me my job for the day was to be Buck’s right-hand; basically do whatever he needed of me. There was about 20 minutes or so of running in circles, following people around, wondering what in God’s name was going on, and then I was told to sit and wait - So I did. I sat on the back porch overlooking the lake, watching the geese, hanging out with really sexy beardy tattooed stagehand guys. I was then taken to one of the dressing rooms and told this was “my room” I was then given “the list”. Basically I was in charge of the hospitality/snacking room for the band. I prepped it, I was told to keep it stocked, and for the next several hours, my main job was to stand nearby and be all like “you guys need anything?” 

click to embiggen. why NO EVIAN? I wonder.

So here’s the interesting part of all this… so of all the things on this list, which was incredibly specific, mind you, once the band did actually make an appearance about an hour and half past when I was expecting them, they only drank coffee; their own coffee. And when I say their own coffee, I literally mean STYX COFFEE.

i had some, not gonna lie. this shit was GOOD.

They also had a couple slices of papa john’s pizza, which was actually an afterthought and not a request. So there I was, stressing over the burners under this specific-ass vegetable soup, stirring it and worrying about the ice levels over the seltzer water and the V8 juice, and naw, they hung out in there for like 10 minutes, tops.

I stole a butterfinger mini from Styx while i waited. THE SECRET IS OUT.

 

First in the room, and then later first to ride his bike around past me, was Sir Tommy Shaw. (So hot - I hate using the word sexy, but. Dammit, yeah. Dude is sexy.) He popped in, grabbed a bottle of water and ate a couple grapes and went on his way. Next in was J.Y. Young; shit was getting serious. Dude, I am like, hanging with Styx. However, not once did I lose my cool. I was all smiles and flirts and “do you need anything?” – He drank coffee and chilled out. Next in, my new bestie - Chuck Panozzo. Faaaabulous! Chuckie, for those not in the know, is an openly gay man living with HIV, activist, and is a hellaciously talented bass player in one of the hardest working bands in the biz. We chatted about the landscape, ducks, and food. At one point he took a little nap in the overstuffed chair in the room... Adorable! Later after the show we did the whole big-hug-double-cheek-kiss-ciao thing; love that dude.

Showtime! The guys hit the stage hard, like it was an arena full of 20,000 people and not just a corporate retreat with maybe 150 people in attendance total? They gave it 110%. I wasn’t able to watch most of the show, but I certainly heard it (my room was about 10 feet from the stage right entrance, outside) and I got to sneak down a couple times during the set to watch from the wings. Completely surreal. While the band was on stage I got to speak with and hang out with the band’s assistant tour manager, Jason. This guy was too much; Very busy, very silly, very sweet, very cute – those things. I was all trying to keep my game face on, but there was definitely some flirting going on there. My next setup was for the sandwich/cheese/post-show trays, which, again, didn’t get touched. But here is the good thing – Jason did pack up everything he could and took it on the bus with them; that’s good, I was getting all stressed because dammit, they paid for it! Take it! Don’t waste that shit! They did; Awesome.

So I didn’t get to hear/see Roboto, I don’t think they do that song live, probably. I don’t know. But I did get to hear Lorelei and TooMuch Time on My Hands and Lady; I didn’t realize that I knew practically every Styx song ever until I realized I knew every styx song ever, apparently. Best moment: during the breakdown of “Come Sail Away” (‘we'll try best that we can …to carrrrry onnnn!’)I had to stop Jason and be all like “Dude, sometimes don’t you just have to stop and ROCK OUT? And be all like, ‘Damn, I am hanging with Styx… ROCK AND ROLLLLLLL!’” (I guess that song will just always make me think of Freaks and Geeks and get me all sentimental) and he said something about you know, oh hearing the same songs for 4 or 5 years or something, which I totally understand. Then they ended the show on an encore of “Renegade” and then I found myself getting all philosophical and thinking “Dude, sometimes you have to just stop and rock out... You just have to stop… and rock…. rock out….” 

Very cool guys. Very cool.

Then as suddenly as it was over there was a swoop in, a swoop out …parts of the stage and members of the band are flying all over and all the beardy tattoo dudes who had disappeared earlier all reappeared… there was a clusterfuck of wild activity for about an hour and my feet were bleeding they were so blistered (but I was oblivious to this until later when I tried to go to bed and I couldn’t even cover my feet with a sheet because they were so tender) – quick goodbyes were said to new friends; the band is playing in town again in September; I won’t assume I’ll be asked back to work, but I certainly am going to attend and rock out. See the ‘other side’ of Styx, as it were.

Then almost as soon as it began, it was all over and I was riding in my little car back to my little house in my little town while the Styx Caravan of Extreme Awesomeness rolled on through the night; off to melt faces in another part of the world. I can’t remember a time when I slept as hard and as soundly as I did that night; after all was said and done, it was a 12 hour day. Worth it. I had a lot of fun. This was easily one of the better experiences of my whole life. I really hope I get to work this kinda thing again some time.