One thing I can say for myself; I have lived a very complex and extraordinary life. On paper, sure, it may look a little lack-luster; I've traveled, I've loved, I've met some famous folks; but overall nothing mind-blowing to most. But the best part of me, one of the things I like the most anyway, is my ability to read through the lines and see the depth and magnitude of every single beautiful moment of life for what it is. I have been blessed with the gift of perspective. I have lived through enough trauma, death, pain, ecstasy, bliss and therapy to accept and face every decision I have ever made with no regrets. And trust me, I know I have made some terrible decisions, but I have learned one of the greatest lessons I think life has to teach us all: I am accountable for my own actions. I take full responsibility.
Sometimes I, and my closest friends, struggle to understand why I would knowingly allow so much pain or manipulation into my life; but one part of the lesson I only recently learned and understood about myself is that I look at every single person I have ever been gifted to meet as another opportunity for life to prove to me that humanity is good; That people are like me, that love is a priority and God works through us and not just around us. And when i get most down, when I get the most hurt or confused, it is because someone betrayed this belief. It is because someone forgot how precious their lives are and how much good and love they have to offer to the universe. I hurt *for* them, for squandering their lives and love, for taking time for granted. I hurt because sometimes others forget how easy it is to be kind.
So sure, I may not volunteer as much as I should, I may not tithe/donate as much as I could, I may not adopt hordes of stray dogs or attend church regularly; but I smile when I know I shouldn't. I give the seemingly very worst people every benefit of the doubt. I have no limit to my level of forgiveness. I never hold grudges. I give my love and my heart freely to anyone who asks it of me. I know this is the best part of me. This is the part I am sure that my closest friends and my truest love know all to well; they have watched me suffer for others so many times; be used, be hurt, be taken for granted. But I know I will never stop, my faith in the human heart is parallel to my faith in God. It is something I don't even bother to question; like gravity. It is as natural to me as breathing.
My 34th year on this planet has so far proven to be one of the most humbling and beautiful experiences of my life so far. In the past, birthdays become a horrendously depressing experience for me, spanning weeks before and rising to a frenzy of anxiety and anguish the day of; I start questioning my contribution to humanity. What have I done? I am no one's wife or mother; I am alone and in debt. I work a job that is completely inconsequential that only contributes to my struggling bank account. I tend to forget everything I just said before this paragraph and I get really selfishly down on myself. And that's all depression really is, you know? The ultimate manifestation of egotism. Who am I to think my life and my brain is really more important than anyone else's? I am not a mother, but I am a daughter. I am not a wife, but I am a friend. I am grateful to have a job and a car. I am thankful for the gifts I have earned or have been given.
Perspective is beautiful, but it can also be torture. the constant tickle in the back of your brain that reminds you of your impermanence, that every moment is sacred, to give everything at all times or you are wasting your space and your resources. When i start feeling idle, bored or useless; that's when i get down. So far, this year, and yes I know it's only been a couple days, I feel at peace. I feel this serene acceptance that whatever comes next; I am ready. I have been preparing my whole life for it. There is something in my heart telling me that this is going to be the best and most significant year of my life. Maybe this is the year I finally figure out what I want to be when i grow up. Maybe I finally feel the truest love of my life. Maybe I win the lottery. Maybe I die. The possibilities are endless and I am ready and I am sure it will be amazing and I will be in control when it happens. I will be okay.
I know I am a few shows behind; but this needed to come out of me first. I needed to make it here before I could continue. The reviews will continue and we will return to our regularly scheduled program shortly. thank you for being here, for reading this, for being my friend, for loving me, for tolerating me, for needing me, for never taking me for granted, for understanding me, for surprising me, for being a part of my life no matter how seemingly insignificant. I only hope I can one day find the voice and strength to express to the world how grateful I am to be a part of it; to be a part of you all.
God bless and thank you for a wonderful birthday.
xoxo
karla anne
I share a lot of the same feelings you do. I think you know that. I'm not a believer in the same way you are, but I get where you're coming from - a lot. I'm 41 and not a mother. And I live alone. I'm a daughter and a friend. And that's got to be important, especially when you are just you, and not part of an Us or a Family that is yours. Glad I was out for your birthday - and given how drunk I felt that night, I'm actually pretty grateful I didn't end up in any photos!
ReplyDeleteI admire your honesty. I too share a lot of the same feelings you do though I could never have said them as well. I am recently 30 and not a mother. I live alone with my faithful companion of 7 years, a shelter rescue. I am a daughter and a friend. Life and love keep knocking me down but I am determined that this year, my 30th will be my year. I don't know what it will hold, exactly, but while there is certainly enough in the past several to be bitter about and for a sensitive person like myself to consider just cause to pack it in and become a recluse, I'm not ready to throw in the towel quite yet. I think that life has more in store for me than that, and though I only know you in passing and enjoy reading your show reviews I hope that the same is true for you as well. I will be cheering you on.
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