Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It

As noted in the previous entry, one of the things my best friends would think to criticize me the worst for is my inexplicable tendency to assume people are somehow "better than me." It's ironic to me now that the two heavy hitters, the two people i feel the most intimidated by, the two girls I have thought for the longest were way too cool to be friends with me, are a) posted back to back and b) two of my best friends; Samara and now Courtney.

Courtney is one of, if not *the* most beautiful, girls i know in real life. I met her, as it appears to me now the more and more posts I am dedicating to my friends like this, at Cup a Joe. Cup a Joe, I have always said, is like homeroom; The place we meet before the action starts. Home base. Where all great ideas are born and then come to die, slowly and honorably to be brought up again years later over drinks and much laughter at outlandishness. The dreams bourne at Cup a Joe rarely ever make it out the door. This is a haven for crazies and daydreamers; lieabouts and homeless artists; trust fund babies and recovering alcoholics . I got my drivers license and Cup a Joe was the first place I came, journal and headphones in hand. I am 33 1/2. I am now sitting in Cup a Joe, writing this blog post. There has never been a time when i did not know or love this place. It's no longer a smoking establishment, but we huddle outside in the winter and laze around sweating in the summer. I met Courtney (aka "Cote d'Azur" or just "Cote") through friends of friends of friends. I can't even remember the exact time or circumstance, I just remember suddenly she was a part of my life.

Every lesbian i know has been in love with Courtney at one point or another. This statement should be given a significant amount of weight, as i know a significant amount of lesbians. I don't know what it is about me and gay people... I'm not sure if it's my innate need to surround myself with those who are repressed or judged unfairly or my constant draw to the underdogs? maybe because i was a theater major or maybe I'm just really fabulous? Whatever the reason, I probably have 3 or 4 close straight friends. Courtney is one of these inexplicably straight ones. I think there would be a major blowup, basically a WWIII of the Raleigh lesbians if Cote ever switched teams, they would murder each other over this girl. Every man Courtney has dated has been the luckiest man in the world. She is now dating Tony, probably the only guy she has ever dated that i would have dated. Tony is fabulous, and by proxy as determined by the above statement; the luckiest guy in the world.

Courtney is one of those people who, no matter how well you think you know her, you just don't. there is so much depth, complexity and energy churning at all times inside her brain and in her heart, so much so that i'm not sure she even knows from one moment to the next who she is. One moment she is a photographer, the next she is a psychologist. A rollergirl, a goth vixen, a pilates fanatic,a book nerd, a vicious card shark, a waitress, a ghetto fabulous gangsta queen, a down home country girl... sometimes she glows with such power and confidence it is blinding and sometimes the darkness in her consumes the room. she is a dynamo, she is a supernova, she is a force to be reckoned with. You will never have a short chat with Courtney, you will always have a full conversation. you will never walk away not knowing exactly what she is thinking and how she is feeling. She is spontaneous, wild, hilarious and humble. like most of us at the ole coffee shoppe, she has the dream-out-loud disease. however, what sets Courtney apart from the rest of us, much like Samara, she made it happen. and she keeps making it happen. she keeps getting more and more degrees and following more and more dreams and travel itineraries.

One of my favorite Courtney memories is driving with her to the Gay Pride Parade in Durham in 2009. (literally no straight friends. seriously.) Along the way I was hitting random on the iPod and came across this song and she and I had middle school dance flashbacks and decided to rock out any and all mid 90s r&b and hip-hop I had. Which we did. I would have never have expected Courtney to know every word, and of course she did. Then she told me crazy stories about high school and I just remember thinking, you know... as long as i have known this girl and as long as I will probably know her, which is forever I hope, I will never know all there is to know about her. Every time I hang out with her, I figure something else out and I am crying I am laughing so hard. Everyone needs a Courtney in their life, If you don't have one, I feel really bad for you, because she is spectacular.



cote and I at the borough, being in love, as per yooshe.

Cocteau Twins - Iceblink Luck

I am a Cancer. More specifically, I am a Cancer/Leo cusp. This cusp is known as the “cusp of oscillation” … You get the best of both signs: Cancer’s sensitivity; the moon, water, kindness, attraction to home/silence/quietness… then Leo’s wildness; the sun, fire, attention seeking/confidence/strength. It all makes for a hugely delicious clusterfuck of fun and moodiness. I tell people I’m a nice bunch of girls and that I am ruled by opposites. There is no gray area in my life; all or nothing. I use astrology as a tool to understand life, a subject I am constantly probing. I cannot ever remember a time when I was not soul seeking on some existential/transcendental/religious/psychological level. I recently found my little diary I kept from ages 8 to 14 in my parents’ attic… It is full of love declarations and soul seeking. Sound familiar? I am nothing, but if consistent. Astrology is one of those little tools I pick apart, like self help books, the bible, meditation, daydreaming, etc… to figure out who I am, who you are, why we are here, why we are friends, why we connect, why I love you, etc. I like to think this is a great asset; the constant questioning, the constant self-review; but there are times when it becomes hyper-criticism and I am cruel to myself. Standards for explanation and understanding are set too high and I fail to find answers that others seem so easily to see… what is love? How do you find a partner and make it stick? How do you find your life’s purpose? What is your life’s purpose? How do accept and stay satisfied with the choices you’ve made?

It almost seems irresponsible to me to not consider astrology a piece of the puzzle. Take for example: My closest friends and greatest lovers have all been Libras… Their balance and rationale evens out my moods and recklessness. The majority of my family (mom, brother and niece) are Pisces (the one sign that eludes me, their depth is somehow beyond my own and they are just too damn good at hiding it!) This song reminds me of the one Pisces in my life whom I didn’t automatically adopt, but who inadvertently became a major part of my life… Samara.

The first time I remember meeting Samara, I was so jealous I could spit nails. I was with Rob Roy at my coffee shop and she stopped by the table to say hello to him. They were old friends. She was so beautiful and unique looking and tall and cool; there was no way I could compete with a girl like that.

Backstepping to that hyper-criticism bit, one of the things I've never understood or been able to explain away about myself is one of the worst things about me. It is the thing my best friend points out to me constantly... I have this inner voice that tells me that I am not good/cool enough to be friends with certain people or to date certain men. This is obviously a self-esteem shortfall and depending on my mood I will either aggressively deny it or sadly nod my head "yes." Samara was always one of those Raleigh elite, way-too-cool kids that I never assumed I would be friends with. Then somehow, the way life likes to do, I was proven wrong. Samara and Jeannine (best friend) were friends all along. As I became closer to Jeannine, Samara came as like, a package deal. Eventually, somehow, we started hanging out on our own. Strange coincidences cemented our die hard friendship... We both started dating Brits. Hers was in London, mine in Liverpool. Throughout all this drama, (we both were engaged to these fellas at one point, neither of us actually marrying. well, at the time. Samara and hers eventually did marry, much later down the road...) we became sounding boards, shoulders, coffee buddies, cheerleaders and eventually close and dear friends.

Samara has that gorgeous Pisces trait that I am seethingly jealous of... follow through. Most Pisces have the "dream out loud disease", in fact it was Samara who either coined that phrase or was a major part of its conception... She wanted to live in California, she did it. She wanted to go to beauty school, done. Nursing school? done. Pisces are so good at letting their dreams run wild, but then figuring out how to just.... do that shit! Get the gumption and go! I still find myself hung up on the "wouldn't it be cool if?...." and staring off into space for 2 hours, then being entirely too lazy to break out of my comfortable routine. Samara is never afraid to just take a chance... why not?

Samara and I have spent the last ten years or so pulling each other out of pity party pits. Never judging each other for that need to just, sit at the kitchen table sipping whiskey and cry your heart out on a sunday afternoon. we have listened to each other weep, bitch, moan, gloat, brag, love, hate and dream dream dream! I have never been afraid to tell Samara exactly what i was feeling because i know on that precious Piscean level, there is no emotion that isn't okay or justifiable. She exists on a level where emotional/personal justice and lioness-protecting-her-cubs ferocious loyalty is not questioned, it is just done. I cannot tell you how much i appreciate this fact about her. She would not hesitate to do anything for those who love her best. I absolutely cannot wait to see her as a mother, because I think this is where these amazing attributes of hers will shine. When I hang out with Samara, I never forget to thank God that I have her in my life, I am really lucky to know her, love her and have her on my side.

Samara is one of the handful of people whose musical tastes I trust. I remember on of the first mix cds she ever made me, which was actually a CDR overloaded with mp3s that my car at the time would play, this song was one of the firsts on the list. It was a song I had known for a very long time, but for whatever reason, it became the ethereally beautiful aural representation of my too-cool friend. I think Cocteau Twins, I think Samara. I hear Elizabeth Fraser's voice, I hear Samara.


(samara & i, totally sober i'm sure, in front of ye olde jackpot. xoxo)

Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

Most people have really good practical and useful skills. I have mentioned it before; the things I am good at aren’t tangible or useful in an everyday sense. I am really good at being in love, for example. I am infinitely patient in traffic jams. I am kind to strangers. One thing I seem to always think I should ad to my resume one day is “Master of Gratitude.” I am so thankful all day, every day for the beautiful gifts this life and God have given me. I don’t want to take this to a religious level, but it’s hard to say the word “gratitude” and not think about faith, about feeling like you have to say that “thank you” to something or someone. I am a Christian, yes. But more often than not I find myself sending out ambiguous thanks out into the unknown. If it’s God or Karma or Grace or my own ego who knows... Whatever it is that prompted this very nice thing or person or experience to happen. I am Queen of acknowledging impermanence, singular miraculous moments, beauty, truth, and love. I know way too well how quickly it can all be taken away, so it is my all day every day mission to be grateful the gift of every second of my life. This sometimes comes across as manic and wild, this sometimes comes across as …nice? It’s a delicate balancing act.

There are certain songs, which while although not profoundly affecting my life in some deeply significant way, that when I hear them, I always remember to thank God or who/whatever for the things that make me smile when I hear them. This song, while not a song that has a deeper meaning or possessing lyrics which touch my life in a meaningful way, makes me think of a certain friend whom I shared so many life changing moments veiled as seemingly insignificant happenings with which will always remind me how lucky I am to have him in my life.

My friend Andrew (aka Roo) has somehow become one of the people I most respect and admire in the whole world. I’ve known him a very long time, and I don’t think either one of us would deny there was some awkward competitiveness or tension between us when we first started hanging out. Both being so free spirited, opinionated and arts minded, I think we may have clashed some in the beginning. We were both in this strange ‘trying to figure out who we are’ mode, which for him meant finding his place in society as a gay man and for me meant trying to find a way to be okay who I am, in general. (I still struggle, of course!) Then somewhere along the way we realized we were both hanging out at the coffee shop on Wednesdays, doing the Independent crossword. I can’t even really tell you the timeline of events, but over the years, Wednesdays have become one of my favorite days of the week. I get the crossword and I get Roo time. We trade music, gossip, crossword clues, day dreams, boy stories… As the world seems to keep coupling up and fading out, there is me and there is Roo and we are trudging ahead doing our own things, being amazing, and using every possible outlet; musically, artistically, poetically, prosaically, physically, to express ourselves…. Never making excuses, never accepting criticism harshly, never hesitating to make something beautiful out of nothing.

Not only is Roo my weekend warrior buddy, (we are the ones on the dance floor first, we always make the dance party happen,) and someone I would call my aesthetic soul mate; but there are so many little things about him that make him one of my very besties… to name a few; his job is his passion. There are so few people I know personally who work in the non-profit sector who truly love and work hard at their jobs. Over the years, hearing the stories and ideas that come from this group of folks, I am consistently amazed that I have a friend with such a noble and what I consider an almost romantic job; it’s absolutely the kind of work Jesus would high-five us for. It’s taking a soup kitchen-esque kind of help and bumping it up 1,000 notches.

There have been very few people who have been able to sit me down and say “you are being an asshole, stop.” Or “you are being obsessive, I will not have this conversation with you anymore.” Or “this is why you are wrong” or even more importantly “this is why you are great.” Roo has said these things to me on many occasions and he has become one of the only persons on the planet that I trust to tell me the truth sometimes. My other best friends have never hesitated to tell me the truth, but as women we have that little fine line we don’t cross. Also women tend to emphasize kindness and won’t be harsh with me, the way I definitely need sometimes. I respect Roo so much because he will kick my ass sometimes. Hard. And I definitely need it.

As I stated above, Roo is my weekend warrior partner. You will be hard pressed to find a weekend night where we aren’t at some bar, making a dance party happen. Or someone’s fabulous front porch, talking crazy and being flamboyant. Or maybe in someone’s back yard at a bonfire… mostly, we are at that same wild bar, swigging cheap beers, scoping out boys and dancing like crazy people. This song, when it first came out, was a song I knew instantly would be a song Roo would love. I took off running with it to him. (aka I think I emailed him?) While it did get overplayed and overhyped to death, there was a window of a few months where it was pure magic. Now that the flood has died down a little and it’s not being played nonstop and hyped to death, this song can pop up at the bar and bring the house down all over again. When I hear this song, I get this memory in my head of Roo, jumping in circles with me at Neptune’s, and we’re fist-pumping like wild people. I will always smile and think of Roo when I hear this song.

In honor of my dear friend Roo this holiday season, please donate your time, money, prayers to the Alliance of AIDS Services - Carolina.