Most people have known what they what to be when they grow up for a very long time. Whether or not you actually made this dream a reality is up to each of us to decide; we may have gotten to our goal and became a veterinarian or rock star; some of us are still struggling to make that dream come true. Some folks just dream forever and never try; my dream of what I wanted to be when I grew up is something I've tinkered with my entire life. As longtime readers of my blog can affirm; I've always wanted to be a writer. I have never written anything that I have been paid for, save the poetry contest I won my sophomore year in high school where I wrote a long narrative style poem in the style of Oscar Wilde's Ballad of Reading Gaol, of which I had I recently discovered and devoured, about an Irish immigrant – a woman who left her lover and was a stowaway on a liner bound for America... I got $25. Other than that; it's all journals, notebooks, blogs and unsent (and some sent, yet copies kept) love letters. I finished my first novel when I was in 8th grade... total crap, I promise you. I wrote it on my first word processor, a Brother WP-3400. It's premise was what you would expect from someone like me at that age; a kid in love with someone who didn't know I exist and suddenly we meet through some outrageous twist of fate and fall in love – BUT IT WAS A DREAM THE WHOLE TIME!
….jaysus. I, honest to god, begged my dad to make me 8 copies of that shitstack and I literally sent it out to publishers, whose addresses I found by begging my mom a ride to the local library and actually using reference books to “how to publish a book.”
...when I think about how hard you had to hustle pre-internet to get anything done, I am overwhelmed with how unlikely this dream all seems. You kids got it too easy these days, man!
So I keep on blogging... after the “teenage dream” novel, I set out on my next novel that I started my freshman year of high school; an ambitious effort! I actually did heavy research for this one; spent every weekend for months in the library getting my facts straight – it was set in Northern Ireland during the heavy bombing campaigns by the IRA in the 1980s... I'd just discovered U2, you see, and my social consciousness curtain was ripped wide open. A little more than ¾ into that novel I signed myself up and saved allowance to pay for a creative writing workshop held not far from my high school... I was the youngest in the class by a good 5 years... it was helpful and an excellent resource but a total mindfuck... sometimes someone teaches or tells you something that opens your mind's eye so wide you can never shut it again; the woman who lead the workshop read an excerpt from my novel in process and she said it was more or less good, I cant remember any kind of praise because what she said next changed my writing abilities forever... “It's good but not believable, you can only write what you know and the reader can always tell”... so basically, if I wanted to write about a story set in Belfast, Northern Ireland, how could I expect success if I've never been there? This information settled like a ton of bricks in my understanding of the universe and my abilities to process it... If I wanted to write about true love, how could I if I had never experienced it? If I wanted to write about different cultures and continents, how could I without traveling the world? If I wanted to tell my story, how could I until I felt and understood myself completely?
What transpired after that conversation was a relentless, exhaustive, yet still ongoing quest to see, feel, hear, experience, taste, love and live EVERYTHING so I could write about it. I started making travel plans that very afternoon. This little bit of information may help any of those still trying to decipher my intensity, self-absorption, and main directive in life. I can't settle down, I can't marry, I can't buy a home or stay in one place too long... not until I am satisfied that I can finally “write what I know.”
I have had epiphanies. I have had moments of such divine clarity that I have been rendered speechless for days. I have had dreadful realizations about human existence that sent me into blackout drunks spanning over weeks at a time. I have walked away from opportunities and people that were “too easy” because without plot advancement, there was no narrative. I have inadvertently placed myself in treacherous situations in a subconscious effort for a good story. I have taken chances most people interested in retaining their health, sanity, or assets would never consider. All of this in the name of my dream.
Earlier last year I was laid off from a job of 9 years that I didn't know I loved until it was gone; much like much everything in my life I can only truly love in hindsight... after the world opened all it's doors and windows wide to me, I became overwhelmed... Another job? School? Move away? Travel? ...Travel! So after a month or two of floundering and tossing ideas into the universe I finally took the one big chance I never dared myself to take; give away almost all my possessions and run away.
I can't tell you for sure the moment I knew I wanted to come home; it honestly depends on the moment you ask me... homesickness? My ex? Exhaustion? My health? But in true-me fashion, the decision to return was made just as suddenly as the one to leave. And now I have found myself floundering once again, unable to commit to one single idea or situation; save this one... In the first few nights I was all alone in that jungle I faced my own kind of magic-mirror gate and I sat down and I started to write. All of those years of saving up stories and living these tragedies and victories began to spill out of me and it hasn't stopped since.
I offer this to you now, my sparse and loyal blogfolk, as a brief-as-i-can-get explanation of the lack of updates that you have seen since I've been back; I am writing. For me. Not blogs, not journal, not love letters I'll never send, not letters I'll send and BCC myself on to use as reference for the future.... none of that. I am finally telling my story. I have you, those who encouraged, inspired, contributed and supported me in these past few years to thank for that.
In the mean time, I will try my best to write and update as inspiration strikes but you may also feel free to follow me on twitter, as I use the blog's account to live tweet as many shows as I attend, which is honestly as many as it's ever been. There will be many more. The story isn't over yet, but for the first time in my life the term “open ended” doesn't scare the shit out of me.
Here are some things that have happened since my last post (in no particular order,) in case you haven't been peeping my twitter:
dum dum girls
IWTDI as In the Name of Love
"Sepultura" at the Great Coverup
"Motörhead" at the Great Coverup
Hank Sinatra at the Benefit for Brisco
Same as it Ever Was - the best Talking Heads tribute band ever!
"Sonic Youth" at the Great Coverup
"FEAR" at the Great Coverup
"The Ramones" at the Great Coverup
Colossus at the Demon Eye CD Release party
Holly Hunt in Wilmington
Demon Eye CD Release Party
this guy.
There is more; There is always more... I'll be around, I promise! xoxo
...Longest Blog post title ever? Well hold on to your hold-on-ables, as this is actually going to be a mostly pic-heavy post, to boot!
I felt a sense of obligation to explain to my faithfuls why there has been a huge black hole in my blog for the past few months, where Hopscotch should have been. Well, we all know I go through fits of depression and straight up laziness, which makes for inconsistent content. Alas, here i sit with time and energy and a steady internet connection, so here we go!
The Killers - August 12, Redhat Amphitheater
There are bands that on the neo-hipster scale that I absolutely adore that I'm sure most of my friends would agree are perhaps sellouts or too big for their britches, (U2 and Coldplay to name a couple obvious ) and I'm sure The Killers are in the non-in crowd as far as Indie cred goes... honestly, I couldn't give two shits. I LOVE them, always have, and used a small part of my well-deserved severance money (Oh, didn't you hear? I got laid off!) and bought the best tickets you could get for their show in Raleigh! My former bandmate and one of my all-time best friends, Jayseph, came along for the ride!
friends are friends forever!
It was well timed and staged perfection, and sounded SO GOOD as expected for a quasi-arena show for a megaband. I heard all my favorite songs, made friends with all the gay kids half my age in the pit and got generally overly emotional, as expected.
Why so emotional? Well, good tunes with which I have unnaturally deep connections with, obviously ...(um, All These Things That I've Done?? Hello?) but also there was the whole "I gave away everything I owned and moved into the Jungle of Costa Rica to work on an Ecofarm, isolate myself and finish my Novel" thing.. which I did. Without going into too much public detail, (as it was a totally personally intense situation,) I didn't stay quite as long as I thought I would, but in the end, I didn't need to. Unfortunately all this self-reflection and Tao reading just happened to take place while Hopscotch rolled around, so I missed it. And the bluegrass festival...
Cut my hair off, stopped wearing a bra, and ran around in the jungle with a Machete for a few months... the only excuse I have for missing Herpskerch.
BUT! I came home just in time for:
The Last Gray Young show - Slim's - Oct 3
They say all great things must come to an end. But in this case, I am virtually inconsolable, as the VERY BEST THING has come to an end... for now, anyway... Gray Young has decided to take a little break. I am trying my best to come to grips with this now. Pre-show and about halfway through, I believe I was in a bit of denial... But as the entire Kitten Army was in attendance and once Dana and I hit the Bloody Mary's, it became all too clear that the end was neigh --- therefore the setlist was compromised and edited by your truly, I may have stagecrashed a little, and also forcibly broke the nearly 3 year vow of silence and all but attacked Chas on stage to thank him, basically for saving my life. I can't be completely sure, as the gods of convenient blackout drunkdom seems to have blocked out specific details, but its entirely possible i cried. like, a lot. It's what I do, man.
holy crap, i love you guys.
can't decide if this is my proudest ever moment or if should be mortified?
It was, for all intents and purposes, believe it or not, probably my favorite GY show I've seen, and I promise you, I've seen lots. Probably has something to do with the fact that do many of my favorite people were in attendance, that the last half of the show became a ridiculous dance party, and mostly because I was riding high on the surreal wave of my triumphant return from Costa Rica.
I think I'm still in denial. They'll be back.
kinda hard to see, but I was handed a pen and was told to edit the set list, which I did.
The following sunday, after work, I found myself racing downtown once again to catch:
New World Highrise - Oct 6 - Slim's
The band that Jay was working so hard to make happen when we were tinkering around with the Clink - a mix of Jay's songs and the songs of others... a poprocks/80s indie postpunk - all good things - IT feels funny talking about them, because I feel like I'm bragging, as Jay called me up onstage to sing, as well. I had missed that, for sure!
I had actual face-pain from smiling so broadly with so much pride!
Toon & The Real Laww - King's - Oct 11
This show was a real "Should I or shouldn't I?" conundrum - I have seen these guys several times, but this was an EP release party, so I knew it would be a good one... I literally was indecisive until about 5 minutes before an awkward Landmark patio situation drove me into the arms of killer hip-hop!
I was glad I went. The crowd, every time I see them, knows more and more songs, gets denser and more excited... It's awesome seeing groups grow in the scene! Local music Pride!!!
photo taken specifically to taunt Sir Austin Parker
Professor Toon is a fan of House of Swank! YES!
I may have also incited a stagecrash at this show, as well. Which then erupted into one of the best post-show dance parties I have EVER seen!!!
I grabbed Laww and told him "IT'S TIME TO GET SOME SEXY LADIES ON STAGE!" and of course invited myself along!
And on that day, shit got cray.
Vienna Teng - Carolina Theatre, Durm - Oct 12
I found Vienna on a quirky internet channel I listened to for about 6 years straight before i discovered Spotify called "Radioparadise" - honestly one of the greatest radio stations ever - 90% of the songs are ones I love and the other 10% are songs I fall in love with; ergo Vienna... Blue Caravan was the first song I remember hearing and being all like .... "ohhhh mygah... what IS THIS? i love!" and then devouring everything i could fit in my earholes after. I was incredibly lucky to see her and Alex Wong a few years back at the Broad Street Cafe with an intimate crowd, that put me right up front. This time she played an actual (and quite beautiful) concert hall. The sound was pristine and the songs were totally emotional and my companion for the show was charming and my friend Amy is the best.
I've learned it best not to promise publicly or even personally, that I'll be anywhere at any time. I have learned that I am not fickle or flaky, I have learned to trust my instincts and my body and sometimes my instincts just lead me to bed early... Therefore, I can't promise you any reviews of any specific shows, but I can instead give you a pretty good idea of where I might be :)
Next monday I was tipped off that I would be a fool to miss Wild Belle at King's
Next thursday at London Bridge is a benefit for Cause for Paws, (a local charity I support wholeheartedly) called Pints for Paw - Try and come out!
Oh, the glory of no longer living downtown - an empty events calendar! But hey, I'm not saying don't invite me, or anything... If you hear about a I shouldn't miss or would like to use me to promote your shows, as always - I'm down, y'all. I'm always down...!
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