U2 - BAD

There are songs I have heard my whole life, written before I was born, that I know as well as my own heartbeat. Songs that mean so much to the global ear that you would be a fool to overlook them… All You Need is Love, Born to Run, Baba O'Riley… etc… But for me personally there is one song that has meant more, carried more weight, stopped my heart, broke me down and built me back up again over and over again. A song that even after hearing it a billion times, if it catches me in the right way, I will cry like a baby 99% of the time … that song is "Bad" by U2.

I was a little slower than some on the U2 train… In the early 90's I was hitting puberty head-on and becoming a panic-obsessed depression monger, as I think many of us were around 13 or so… nothing was making sense to me and the world was really sucking… this conflicted with my carefree retarded-ness of my childhood (I was fat and awkward, but I didn’t care, I was funny, I was a good artist, etc…) and the teaching of my church that I had gladly accepted and reveled in. But for most, puberty is when hairs grown, hips protrude and boobs appear... this happened to me as well, but what I remember most about puberty is the sudden and overwhelming shock and utter disbelief that the world really kinda sucks. People are cruel to each other, people starve to death in my own back yard, animals are tortured for hair products… a million reasons to stay indoors, burn candles and write bad poetry, which is what I did for the next 3 years.

But somewhere in the middle of this darkness and sorrow, a blinding bright ray of hope shone through… a kid I'd known since birth had given me a copy of Achtung Baby. I was intrigued to say the least. I had just recently decided to damn all top 40 Billboard stations and work on expanding my musical snobbery. I had already discovered bands like Siouxsie or The Smiths… I had a mental block telling me U2 were too big and I wouldn't be able to connect... I have one piece of advice for you all, if you really want to fuck up a 13 year old, give them a copy of Achtung Baby. I, literally, until that first note of Zoo Station, had no idea music could sound so good and so interesting, mean so much, inspire so much passion, propel such beliefs and give me so much hope all at once. Immediately, within the week, I did some research, (which was back then, non-internet, and consisted of me begging a ride off my mom to the library so I could go look up old issues of rolling stone and billboard magazines,) found out how much more of this music I was missing and immediately began a quest.

That next week, two things happened… I bought a copy of the Unforgettable Fire and a VHS copy of Rattle & Hum. Both of which contained the song "Bad." I will admit the Rattle & Hum version hooked me first. I had been preoccupied with the majesty that was Pride (In the Name of Love) on the actual LP, but to see the man sing "Bad." It gutted me. There is something about this version that brought it all home.

Maybe it has something to do with the shirtless, sweaty, be-suspender-ed, long haired Bono. Or Edge's bolo-tie, cowboy hat, Indian braid and quilted vest combination. Larry's baby face and concentrated grimace? Adam's cool confidence and mini-head-banging-session towards the end… The moment when both Edge and Adam are facing Larry, all stomping to the beat… the Sympathy for the Devil tie-in… the bittersweet tune, the astounding lyrics… the creaky silly woowoo's!... so much to love in one song.

I have watched this video no less than three times this morning, trying to pick the one thing I could say that stands out the most. The perfect moment to say, "This is the moment U2 becomes the greatest band in the universe to me." And every time, around 2:38… the first scratchy, powerful "Wide Awake! I'm not sleeping…" I lose it. I just lose it every single time. I get chills and feel tears well up in my eyes. And I believe that is the moment when I finally, for the first time, felt understood by someone in the world. That someone that I'd never met, somewhere I'd never go, might know how I feel. It's the moment I realized that there was a name for the feeling of hyper-awareness of all things rotten that you pray will be better one day… for you, for your family, for the world… It's the moment I knew that God could use people in places you wouldn’t expect to give you hope in ways you never thought possible.

Suddenly, there I was at 13 thinking, "I am awake. Wide awake. I know what's going on, by God. I get it!"

I've since learned the song was written in reference to a friend of Bono's who was a heroin addict. As I grew older, the song meant other things to me. When I was in the middle of a severely abusive relationship with an alcoholic, but I didn’t have the self-confidence or knowledge to get out of it, the song became my prayer. For him and for me. That he could let it go. That I could let him go.

This is something I have never admitted to anyone. It's been so long now and I've forgiven myself for everything that happened back then… but he would manipulate and force me to steal things so he could get money for alcohol or drugs. I was a dumb kid. He convinced me I was horrible and ugly and no one but him would ever have me, and he barely wanted me as it was, so I had better take what I got. So one afternoon after we had driven around to a couple different bookstores so he could steal books and then trade them at other book stores for cd's, then in turn sell the cd's to record shops, I had the Wide Awake in America EP in the player. And on the way to the store to exchange the stolen books, something just snapped. And I suddenly figured out what was going on. I had somehow conveniently ignored the beatings and name callings and theft and lying to friends and family for him… and the myriad of other red flags that were trying to tell me to get the hell away from this guy… and then suddenly out of no where, this song hit the right nerve in the right place in my brain and it finally struck me… this song was a prayer. For a friend who needed help. And I was that friend. And Bono was praying for his friend to take care of himself, to love himself. And in a way, maybe Bono was praying for all of us. Even me.

We got to the store and I refused to go in. the name calling and threats hurt, but I didn't go in. One more major fight two days later, after two years in hell, he finally moved out.

That was seven years ago.

Since then, when I hear this song, I hear passion. I hear re-birth, I hear retribution, but mostly, I hear a prayer for everyone I ever loved to be safe. To take care. I hear a prayer from a very good friend to take care of myself.

This song makes me think of: U2, Rob, a bus drive back from a U2 concert, My brother, grace, redemption and peace