I was
reading my horoscope for the week today in the back of the Indy, and
I had to laugh...
“If
we want the rewards of being loved," says cartoonist Tim
Kreider, "we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being
known." How are you doing with this trade-off, Cancerian? Being
a Crab myself, I know we are sometimes inclined to hide who we really
are. We have mixed feelings about becoming vulnerable and available
enough to be fully known by others. We might even choose to live
without the love we crave so as to prop up the illusion of strength
that comes from being mysterious, from concealing our depths. The
coming weeks will be a good time for you to revisit this conundrum.”
Vulnerability...
The scariest and most commonly felt emotion I know. I have it in me,
that desire to be known, to be understood, to tell my story, to leave
my mark in the world... Sometimes I let it leak out when drunk, to a
friend or two here and there, in these decreasingly sporadic blog
posts; I want to open up. I really do. But I am afraid... What if you
don't like who you see? I like her so much... I have earned the right
to love myself as much as I do. After three decades of relying so
heavily on the rest of the human population to validate me, I faced
my own death and decided I was worth saving. I have a vested
interested in myself... I love me. Do you deserve to love me and know
me, as I do (the inner me, obviously)? The other side of this
conundrum is... Once I do let someone in, once that leaden, guarded
door to my heart opens (the crab shell is cracked)– so much may
come rushing out. So many stories, facts, figures, fears, theories,
loves, hates, dreams... They've been inside for so long. I've tried
to purge them periodically via this blog, and as some of you know, I
keep a personal and unpublished journal, as I have done since I was
12. (Also I'm still working on my damned memoirs...) We all know I'm
a big fan of catharsis. But what happens when that Lost Arc of my
soul is finally opened to the right person? Whose face will it melt?
Or will this person have enough sense to hold on tight, shut their
eyes and ride it out?
Enter:
Daniel.
We
met almost exactly three years prior at the Future Islands doublefeature at Kings and stayed in touch via facebook and such... I was
interested in him, for sure, at the time, but he was in
relationship... then I was. Then I wasn't. But then he was again. But
apparently by this time, that couldn't stop us. (sorry) Random,
seemingly innocent “what are you up to?” messages saw us at yet
another show together (that awesome Talking Heads cover band from
Tennessee, Same As It Ever Was, at the Southland Ballroom). And from
that night; we have scarcely been apart. More than 24 hours away from
him and I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof... We go to shows. We laugh.
We get drunk. We give each other 100 smarmy nicknames twenty times a
day that we instantly forget. We have so many in-jokes by now that
it's almost like a secret language that only we speak. He calls me on
my shit and makes me question my stubborn defenses. He is erasing all
the regrets and poor decisions that have haunted me from my past. He
is compassionate, insatiably creative, brilliant, hilarious and every
time I look at his dumb face he's even more attractive to me than the
moment before. The simplest things he does I find infinitely
charming; from his gait, the way he looks at me when he knows I've
said something completely inane or pretentious, to the timbre of his
voice. He teaches me something new everyday and he is patient with
me. I have opened up to him more than approximately 99% of the people
I have ever met in my life, (including therapists,) and he's still
around. Every day is a new adventure. He is my best friend. I adore
him.
It's
terrifying.
We
have, as yet, survived two road trips intact. You know how that can
test a relationship and all... first was a weekend at the beach; no
problem. The next was an overnight trip to Washington, DC, as I had
bought tickets to the opening night of the US leg of the tour
supporting their newest album, The Takeoff and Landing of Everything
at the 9:30 Club. We survived; in fact, I'd almost say We Thrived...
I feel closer to him now than ever.
I
cannot tell you how my love affair with the band Elbow began. I had
their first 2001 album, Asleep in the Back, as it was a promo I dug
on and kept from my days at the Record Exchange. They had a couple
more releases that, at the time as I was probably up U2 or
Morrissey's asses, that didn't register with me for whatever reason.
Flash forward to my time at my last job, Progress Energy. As is
common knowledge, I am a creature of habit. I find a spot and a
routine and I pretty much stick with that until a building is torn
down or a job is lost, essentially. I would, every day, for almost
nine years, take my lunch at exactly the same time, plug in my
earbuds, walk down to a coffee shop, space out with a novel or most
likely, a puzzle, and listen to some tunes.
I
have, over the years, gone through many outlets of music discovery;
trolling British magazines in the days before the internet,
previewing every promo and random ass CD that came into the store,
word of mouth, Napster, Audiogalaxy, bit torrents, live shows, mix
tapes, and more recently and frequently in the past five or more
years, is the advent of infinite streaming music options, Pandora and
now Spotify. Before I finally caved into the Pandora (and quickly
aligned myself with and became paying member of Spotify,) I spent the
majority of my headphone time, when not glued to my own iPod,
listening to an online radio station based out of California called
RadioParadise.
RadioParadise
was (and still is) the perfect blend of oh, I dunno, world, 90s
alternative, adult contemporary, and eclectic music. If the song
currently playing wasn't already a cherished favorite, it was most
likely a soon to be. This is how my love affair with Elbow was
rekindled. The 2005 album, Leaders of the Free World, with its
opening track “Station Approach” was like a shock to the system.
Unique, dramatic, poetic, desperate, longing, stunning... I heard
this tune on RadioParadise and did the whole “Oh hold up, who is
this again??” and then it was on! backtracked to their other
albums and stayed current with new releases.
I
saw them for the very first time in August 2009, when they opened for
Coldplay. It was in support of the then most recent release, The
Seldom Seen Kid. I bought my Rubik's cube shirt from the merch table
and promptly changed into it (thereby seeing my one and only foray
into being “that guy” at the show). The boys played a 45 minute
set with the majority of the tunes coming from the new album and a
couple more hits, such as my coveted Station Approach. I was sat on
the lawn and the grand total of folks up and rocking out for this
show, in my general vicinity was a staggering 2. I took a couple
crap, short vids on my cell and was on a total high for weeks because
of it. After the show, my friend Alisyn and I (my resident Coldplay
fan companion [which, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend] became one
of my favorite bands after their stunning stage show) were walking
along the perimeter of the lawn when I was stopped by another fan,
wearing an Elbow shirt. He had asked if I had seen them on any other
shows during this tour, to which I replied no. He told me he had seen
them the day or so before at the 9:30 Club in DC, it was the best
live show he'd ever seen, and that they played the sacred hymn
“Newborn.” It was at that moment, so long ago, that I decided
next time they toured and came anywhere close to me, within driving
distance, nothing could keep me away. It only took 5 years and sweet
Mary, Mother of God, it was worth the wait.
I
bought tickets for the 9:30 Club for the May 11, 2014 gig as soon as they
went on sale. I then promptly hit up Priceline and secured a hotel
room in DC. I was prepared and ready to attend this show solo; I
wasn't even concerned about sharing this experience with anyone; much
like certain intensely personal musical connections I have with
certain artists, I knew I would be in my own little world during the
show anyway, and that I would make friends with the folks down front.
(Spoiler alert, this is exactly what happened).
As
luck would have it (or fate, or time & circumstance, or the will
of God, or whatever,) would have it, I started dating Daniel a few
weeks before the show, so I thought, hey, why not? The show sold out,
so I wasn't able to find him a ticket (he wasn't too heart-broken; he
is tolerant of my Elbow listening compulsion, at best). He waited in
line with me outside the club, as I was coming out of my skin with
excitement, and kissed me goodbye at the door and then he toddled off
to find his own adventures (we met up after).
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| HE'S IN THERE |
Walking
into the room, I had no idea what to expect; a room somewhere between
the size of the Ritz (not so high), and the new Cat's Cradle (not so
deep). But the stage, the big blue angel, staring down at me. I
walked into the center of the room and promptly burst into subtle
tears; I was really, finally, here. This was happening. And the
crowd, which I was worried would swallow me whole as the show was
sold out and I was so shockingly far back in the line, was mingling
and very chilled out. I was able to, quite pretty damned causally,
stroll right up front and parked myself center stage, right down
front. I made friends with a really cute couple from Baltimore and
then another Superfan who had flown in from Detroit for the show.
These were my people, I was in the right place.
I
sipped a few beers while the opening act, John Grant, did a
semi-acoustic set. He was excellent, charming, and laugh-out-loud
witty. I mentally ear-marked a few songs to share with Daniel later,
of which I knew he would appreciate (and he did!) And then, it
happened. Elbow was on the stage and Guy Garvey was quite literally 8
feet in front of me. (As you may assume, copious tears fell! But I
got myself together, for the time being, but rest assured, I got
plenty weepy throughout the night...)
the
set list (which, unfortunately I was unable to procure) followed as
such:
Charge
The
Bones of You**
Fly
Boy Blue / Lunette
Real
Life (Angel)
The
Night Will Always Win**
New
York Morning
The
Loneliness of a Tower Crane Driver
Great
Expectations**
Scattered
Black and Whites**
Mirrorball
The
Birds
Grounds
for Divorce
My
Sad Captains**
Encore:
Lippy
Kids
One
Day Like This**
**
Denotes I cried like a lil bitch. (I ask you to refer to the opening
statement of this post; I am water sign, I cry easy.)
These
are the tunes of which I'd like to elaborate:
The
Bones of You – This is a personally intensely memory-driven
experience for me. I have lived through this song. This is one of the
first songs that formed the alliance between myself and the band.
Pure poetry, so much pain. And I honestly had no idea how amazing
this song was going to sound live, despite watching infinite live
videos of it online. Until that amazing little woodblock up-beat was
right in my face, could I appreciate it fully. This, being the first
song that I had such a connection with that the band played, will
stick with me for a long time.
Scattered
Black and Whites – A song the Superfan Conglomerate down front all
agreed will most likely be played, as the concert was held on (US)
Mother's Day. This song was enhanced by the exchange between Guy and
a very excitedly outspoken audience member named Gareth who shouted
out his request for it. After the song played, which of its own
accord is one of the most delicately bittersweet songs ever written,
Guy stepped forward and reached forward and shook Gareth's hand in
the audience. I keep hoping someone got a video or photo of this, but
so far, no hits.
My
Sad Captains – Truly and emphatically my favorite song on the
newest album. From my first listen, I knew this tune was a chronicle
and justification for the past year or so of my life; the
brokenhearted runaway, the hopeful dreamer, the drunken mess, the
cautious optimist – she is epitomized in these lines. I dared not
hope this song would be played, and from the first notes, I found
myself with my arms in the air, singing along at the top of my lungs
with tears streaming down my face. Then (ironically) miracle of
miracles, I found myself reaching forward towards Mr. Garvey hisself;
not in the slightest hope of touching him, but more of a gesture of
“You, sir, are The Shit!” ...He caught my eye. He stepped forward
over the monitor on the stage in front of him, leaned forward over
the guard rail and he shook my hand, like a true gentleman. I held
his gaze and mouthed the words “thank you”. He bowed to me,
graciously. We stepped back. I grabbed the shoulder of the person
next to me and asked those around me “Did.... did that just really
happen?” My bewilderment was greeted and confirmed with back slaps
and whoops of joy for me. I briefly sank to my knees as the cartilage
within them seemed to suddenly evaporate. Helpful hands righted me,
and we all screamed ourselves raw until the band returned for their
encore.
This
was truly the greatest show moment of my entire life. And that's
triumphing over infinite stage crashes, thrice seeing U2 live,
standing 10 feet from Morrissey as he exited his tour bus, anything
and everything I've ever written about in this blog; that moment,
that beautiful connection I had with one of the most talented human
beings on the planet, my postmodern Oscar Wilde, my hero, Mr. Guy
Garvey – This was my favorite live show moment I have had in all of
my 36 years; possibly one of the best moments of my entire life. One
of those moments I will see flash before my eyes when the end comes.
Thinking about it now, and ever since then, my eyes prickle with
tears. Who knew someone like me could be blessed with such a simple,
beautiful gift? I am humbled.
Here are a couple videos of the show that other folk were able to capture. In the first, you can see me about a minute in for the remainder of the song.
The
next day, Daniel and I walked. And walked and walked and walked. And
had an amazing day exploring the parts of The Capital that I had,
despite numerous other trips, had yet to experience. Despite hitting
rush hour traffic on our way out of town and an otherwise 4.5 hr trip
back to Raleigh taking almost 7, I would not hesitate to say this was
probably the best road trip of my life. Be it the city itself, the
show, the memories, the man, or my hardened shell cracking just a
little wider to let in some joy, I will cherish these two days in
Washington, DC for the rest of my life.
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| I LoveAbe! |
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| Chii Half-Smokes at Ben's Chili Bowl! |
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| pride. |
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| daniel is the best! |
