i AM IRRITATED WITH MYSELF.
I haven't been to any shows in a long time. I went to LBLB with Roo (of course) a couple weeks ago in an attempt to see Leugo, but was so distracted by actually being out and about that i forgot to watch the shows (of course). Not so soon after, I wandered up to King's to see some low-fi deepthrashmetal band I have actually never even heard of, but i got in for free, so i went. and everyone was wearing black. and i was wearing a bright white U2 WAR shirt (of course). so I felt slightly out of place before suddenly realizing it was after midnight and i had to be up for work the next morning and bolting.
then i was sitting here on a Saturday night with $7 in my checking account and listening to my morrissey pandora station, feeling slightly sorry for myself, re-reading past entries and being frustrated with myself for not going to more shows. i miss shows.
then i had this crazy revelation. Imagine...! imagine if i had been writing reviews since the beginning; I was 15 years old the first time i saw U2 in 1992 when the Pixies were the opening act. And you know, in a weird way, i almost did. I have been a writer my whole life, to be honest. I made a list the moment we got home and stuck it inside the $25 ZOOtv program i bought that night in Hampton, VA and entitled it "THINGS I WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT TONIGHT" ... there were things like "the screaming pixies guy" and "the guys with the big papier-mache heads wandering through the crowd before the show" and "BP Fallon in the Trabant before the show" and "the guy on the bus on the way home that kept softly calling out the "woo-woooooo"'s from BAD". I don't know why i felt it necessary to write that list, i apparently have a memory like a steel trap. i could tell you pretty much 99% of the occurrences, start to finish, of that whole evening despite the fact that, yes, it was 20 years ago.
and i'm suddenly realizing I've been a super duper mega-ultra U2 superfan for 20 years.... NICE. *self-high-five*
SO... I'm listening to the Moz Pandora, and we got a little "disappointed" popping up right now and I start thinking about wow... what if i had known what to do back then? If i had known that i could have written this sort of thing instead of hoarding NMEs and Selects and Spin magazines? I saw moz for the first time in 1995 at the Ritz (now Disco Rodeo) in Raleigh. he played three or so songs before storming off stage because of his discontent with the security at the show. (he said "Gently, Gently... It's not World War Three" before walking off stage. le sigh!) I was not disappointed. I was a weepy mess. I am a morrissey-cryer. He comes out, I sob like a baby until he walks away. that's how it goes. I have seen him several times since, including Dublin, Ireland, and the same thing happened... weepy mess.
So If i start listing it all out, from the early onsets of Raleigh's own Johnny Quest, to Elbow, or Moz, or James, or Tricky, or Beck, or Moby... If I really let myself think about it; i may not have the world's most impressive resume, you know? I don't have a degree from a super prestigious school and I've been in mostly administrative accounting positions for the majority of my adult career... but, man oh man, if you start listing out the shows... the bands... the amazing shows I have seen... the incredible musics that have gone in these slowly failing ear-holes, I do not know many who can top it, except my baby boomer friend at work who went to Woodstock... The ORIGINAL Woodstock. bad-ass.
So here is my idea. I am going to list out a few shows. Some real goodun's that I've had the absolute privilege to see, and let you guys vote, via comments as to which 'blast from the past' review i shall write for my next review. bearing in mind however, unless i find shit online, there will be no pics or proof of my attendance. it will be strictly a first person narrative and you will have to assume i really went. I am promising you now... I did.
here are the choices:
Midnight oil and Ziggy Marley - 1992
Johnny Quest - 1991
Hopscotch fest year one
Hopscotch fest year two
El Ten Eleven - 2011
Lollapalooza - circa 1995/1996
YES - 1992
OK GO - 2010
The Who - 1993
Major Lazer/Rusko - 2010
U2 - 1992, 2005, 2009 - (will probably be a MEGA post, whichever one, if not all. which i would happily do, btw)
Celine Dion - 2009 (HA!! FOR REAL!!)
David Byrne - 2001, 2009 and like, a few other times i can't think of right now.
Vienna Teng - 2010
Ozomatli - 2010 (includes real good heartbreak story and awesome video)
Muse - 2010
Any others you're thinking of you know I went to and I'm forgetting right now... bring it on... mama loves a challenge.
(ps - re-watching all kinds of U2 vids from shows i went to on the youtubes, getting all kinda sentimental... so if i can sway any sort of "vote", imma tell you right now; you want real me/all passion... pick the U2sers.... http://youtu.be/87Xl5GAzuBo - YOU GUISE.)
Showing posts with label U2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label U2. Show all posts
11 August 2012
14 July 2010
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want
Delicious irony: this is a sneaky U2 post.
I was 14 years old when U2’s ZooTV tour began in Lakeland, Florida. I had held my breath and scrimped allowance for months in anticipation. Dates were announced and there was no show close enough for me to figure out a 14 year old way to attend. I was miserable, overdramatic; throwing myself around on furniture, crying, like I do. This only fueled more angsty candlelit poetry. (One day I will dig out the box with all this mess in it and transcribe some for you, as much as I talk about it. writing on my hand right now, in fact.) MTV was blown up with footage and chatter and News Breaks about the tour. I was wild with desperation to see them. To just be in the same room. Anything!
The now country, then local classic rock radio station, 106.1, announced a contest. Be the 16th caller and you would win tickets to see the boys in Hampton, Virginia on March 7th. This prize also included transportation to and from the show. Was this a sign from God? My only problem, a way to get there, could be rectified. It was 5 days before the show, which was on a Saturday. Somehow I either convinced my parents that I had to be home that day to try and win or I faked sick, I don’t remember. All I know is on Monday I stayed home sick from school and sat in the bed with my phone on one side and my radio on the other. I don’t really remember walking to the bathroom, eating, anything; just waiting.
The “game” was that the station would play the first little “Yeaaaah!” from the Man at the beginning of Desire. After you heard this, you called. If you were caller 16, you win the tickets and the trip. I remember calling the station at least 3 times during the day asking if it was going to be soon. They of course offered no hints. So I waited.
Sometime around 7pm, while I was sitting on the floor in front of my bookcase, phone on the right, radio on the left. After every song finished, I laid my hand on the phone and waited. Suddenly there it was. The “Yeeeahhhh!” ...My hand went right to the phone and started hitting redial. My heart was pounding out of my chest. The song they played right after was The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” I could hear it vaguely in the background; mostly I was only hearing my own heartbeat in my ears and the constant fast beep of the busy signal. I just remember hitting redial, hanging up, hitting redial, hanging up. It seemed like forever. There came a point where I decided there was just literally no way it could go on this long and I thought “Oh God, just one more time. PLEASE.” and I hit redial. It rang. I jumped to my feet. I started pacing. This was the conversation:
“106.1!”
“WHATCALLERAMI?”
“I’m sorry?”
“WHATCALLERAMI? WHATCALLERAMI?”
“Oh, I’m sorry babe. ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’, you know…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Hey, Hey, ‘But if you try sometimes, you just might get what you need. YOU’RE CALLER 16!!!!!!!”
*Falls on knees to the floor, hyperventilating.* “R-r-r-really?”
“YEAH! You got it!”
*says nothing because is crying and hyperventilating.*
“You ok over there? should we send an ambulance??”
“YOU CAN SEND THE BUS TO SEE U2 RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“HELL YES!!!”
So, yes. I won. It was the very first time I got to see the boys. My dad drove my friend Brian (who was my main U2 influence,) to the radio station that Saturday morning to get on the bus. I was 14, Brian was 15. In retrospect, my parents are kinda super-awesome to let me go that far, unchaperoned with a boy, to a rock show. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. I bought a tour program that I’ve re-read more than any stupid piece of literature in the world. I kept the ticket stub and stickers and other paraphernalia in the tour program. That night (sometime after 3 in the morning!) after we got home I took out a sheet of notebook paper and wrote out a list. I entitled it “THINGS I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET ABOUT THIS NIGHT.” I will find this list. I will scan it. also being written on the hand right now. This list included such things as "BP Fallon sitting in the Trabant", "Black Francis Screaming", "Guy dressed like the fly wandering around the coliseum freaking me out", "Drunk guy on the bus singing the 'hoo hooooo!'s from BAD over and over again on the way home."
I’ve never in the past almost 20 years heard this song without thinking of this story and the magic it stirs in my heart. it reminds me of good luck.
01 July 2010
The Greatest and Best Blog Post I Ever Posted
This is going to be a doozy, folks. hold on.
Those who know me and have known me for any length of time know two distinctly defining facts about me: I am the biggest U2 fan on the planet other than maybe the band’s actual family and it is next to impossible to listen to any two or three songs in a row without me having a story or trivia fact about one of them, not only U2 songs. Very often, when any two or three U2 songs are played in a row, I am most likely telling you a story and a fact about all three. Then I probably get choked up and cry because the story is so intensely personal to me.
This oral regurgitation of self validation through having deeply connected memories to songs is how I relate to the world. I use music to say the things I cannot and do not know how to say. One of the reasons I am such a huge U2 fan is because these boys have said the clearest and most frequently accurate things I’ve ever wanted to say. I think there is only one U2 memory posted so far in this blog, but if I allowed it to happen; every other post would be about a U2 song. I try and refrain.
I was walking back from the capitol building today and feeling pretty low. There are many things in the world wrong right now for me. My heart, my faith, my finances, my friendships, my health; everything is just a little bit off. I’m feeling like if just the wrong Jenga piece is moved my whole life is going to come crashing down, so it’s a very delicate balancing act for me at the moment. I was drawing nearer to my office and the song “Last Night on Earth” from the Pop album came on my iPod. I remembered things, how bad life could be for me, if I let it get that low, and how in comparison this is a cake walk. Then I started thinking of all the U2 songs that could fill this blog if I let them. U2 songs are my band-aids for life. They are good for what ails me. They are always my cure-all.
Then I started thinking about my “Bono Stalks Me” theory and laughed. This is all in fun, to an extent. But if you are close enough to me for me to tell you some real heavy shit and the right U2 song happens to come on the radio, you will hear all about this theory. I thought about breaking this entry down into individual songs, but I think one big Epic “Bono Stalks Me” post will suffice; get all the hilarity out at once. And by hilarity, I mean TOTAL SERIOUSNESS.
The theory is this: Since the release of Achtung Baby, Bono has secretly stalked me and written one strikingly perfectly specific song for me on each album as a secret message to not give up and to remind me I am on the right path… or something like that. On Each album, including Achtung, there has been at least one song that is so profoundly appropriate for whatever I am going through or have just gone through in my life, that it makes me think that Bono either has spies, reads my livejournal, or is my father somehow (this is my fav. explanation. This is why when I see The Man on TV and such I yell, “Oh, Daddy!”).
I shall now break down for you by album the specific songs that were special gifts just for me. (A few of my friends [basically only summer and J9] and my brother have heard this list before. Please know that 99% of this is for fun. The other 1% believes in that kind of magic, of course. The sincerity of the deep meaning these songs have for me is most definitely there. And now through the power of supposed anonymity, I will share with you! )
THE FLY
I have told the story in 100 different ways about how I found The Boys. A kid in church, Brian, was one of my life long besties and I thought I had a crush on him. He tells me about this new album he’s rocking out so hard to; I of course immediately go buy it. I see Mysterious Ways about 1,000 times on MTV and fall head over heels. 1991: I am 13. I spend the next few months in a haze, my brain expanding to this sound. I’m also going through puberty, so I’m highly susceptible to suggestion. I rush home every day after school to lock myself in my room with my stereo blasting and I burn candles and write bad 13 year old poetry. I start doubting everything I am doing because I am fat and awkward and I can’t get boys to pay attention to me, but I am an artist. I am a writer. Look at how smart I am and what exceptional taste I have! I start to realize that the majority of the kids around me are beneath me intellectually, aesthetically, spiritually, existentially, and emotionally. On every level. I find one or two kids I connect with, I fiercely cling to them. I start to understand art for art’s sake and the joy of aphorisms.
This is the first of the stalking songs, so it came up slowly. I didn’t recognize it at first. The most important lesson we (I) can take from this song is one very significant line “Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief” – art is art, it is all resurrected and regurgitated and it is what it is. I start checking out Mapplethorpe and Warhol and Yeats. I fall helplessly in love with Oscar Wilde, Morrissey, and Siouxsie Sioux. I start accepting new levels of absurdity and profundity. My vocabulary expands, I buy fly shades, I swagger, and I start caring less and less about what people think and more about expressing myself at every possible turn. There's a lot of things, if I could I'd rearrange.
The FACTS: I remember reading an interview in Rolling Stone (I think) where Bono said this song was “the sound of four men chopping down a Joshua Tree.” The B-Side to this single, Alex Descends Into Hell for a Bottle of Milk / KOROVA 1 still remains to this day one of the most fucked-up and mind blowing things I’ve ever heard. I still play it for a select few and say “GUESS WHO THIS IS YOU WILL NEVER GUESS!!1!!11” Then I laugh about how it was on the stupid damn Johnny Mnemonic Soundtrack (Oh brother.) One day, before I had my driver’s license, obviously, I sat down with my vcr, a frame by frame remote (dad had bought some fancy thing) and my VHS copy of Live from Sydney and literally wrote down every word and phrase that came across the screens during this song. (Note to the universe: Where is this hat and why can’t I have this hat? Or at least a reasonable reproduction.) This song also has the world’s best guitar solo and this cannot be denied under penalty of law. Edge also makes the world’s sexiest faces in this video. (See mins 2:25 and 4:12 – HOLY GOD. WANT TO TOOCH.) I have spent years looking for edge's necklace from this video. i bought a bedazzler SPECIFICALLY to make those pants. I fell so helplessly in love with this band i want to look and act and feel and sound just like them. Practically every fashion decision I've made since 1991 had been in direct correlation to Bono. I love and appreciate men so much i want to look like them, in general. I sometimes wonder how the hell I'm not a lesbian.
OTHER ACHTUNG NOTABLE MENTIONS:
Trying to throw your arms around the world: my brother bought twelve’s for the trunk of his Prelude SPECIFICALLY for the bass on this song. This is one of the reasons why I love my brother so much. It was literally the first song we listened to with them.
Zoo Station: I am virtually incapable of hearing the opening of this song and not time traveling to March 7, 1992 at the Hampton Coliseum.
Ultraviolet: this is a spinning song (note, turn volume on left video all the way up, turn volume on the right all the way down. welcome to my brain.) I have a hard time not spinning when I hear this song. I have spun to this song more than any other song. I think I've explained the spinning in this blog before.
Acrobat: very much one of my very fav songs by the boys. It is beyond me at this juncture to explain why.
DADDY’S GONNA PAY FOR YOUR CRASHED CAR
There are two very distinct levels of awesomeness for me with this song.
First, the easy one: The glitter devil. The rise of MacPhisto; excess, temptation and gold lamé. After seeing Sydney on Pay-per-view (yes I paid $40 to watch a u2 concert on TV and THEN bought the vhs, THEN the DVD) and witnessing the backstage transition of the Man into the Devil, the mind she was blown. I was totally corrupted by this persona. I dressed as him for Halloween that year and have had a hard time talking myself out of dressing like him every year since. People who are heavy duty U2 fans have a strangely deep affinity for this character, me included. He is the personification of all things extravagantly glamorous in the age of the Zoo.
There is a lot of …debate about the true meaning of this song. Could be as simple as a dad always bailing his kid out. Lots of people believe since the live version is preceded by the serenade from the spacebaby singing the Red Army version of La Rocher Sur La Volga, it has something to do with the fall of the Berlin wall or something political. Lots of people believe it has something to do with drug addiction.
For me personally, it’s a little bit from column A and Column C. Zooropa came out in 93. I was still in high school, and this song was always a fav, but it didn’t dawn on me that it was written for me until much later, after I had left home for college and was on my own for the first time in my life. After I had dove head first into the world of panic disorder and insomnia. (More on this part when we get to Pop.) I was a daddy’s girl my whole life. My dad, even now bails me out when I need him. I can take this song very literally. Or I can work the interpretation skills and read into how dependent I became on benzodiazepines and psychotropic medications when I dropped out and came home to Raleigh. I started out on Prozac and then went into Imipramine for my panic attacks, which were, at this time, on a pretty constant basis. At least two or three a day. If I missed a dose, I was “a baby's fist”. Sometimes I think Bono/MacPhisto mocks me with this song, but it doesn’t in any way impede me from believing it wasn’t specifically written for me.
OTHER ZOOROPA MENTIONABLES:
Numb: a close second. See above mentioned psychotropic medication addiction.
Dirty Day: inexplicably one of my most favorite U2 songs, as well. For years if I am in the right mood, I can listen to this song and lose my shit.
LAST NIGHT ON EARTH
Oh my, it’s so hard to choose the ONE song on Pop that speaks to me on the deepest level. I have another personal journal I’ve kept online for many years (I’ve made mention of it here before) and have had many a tirade or confessional session about the Boys. One of the biggest mindfucks in the world for me was the transition from Pop to ATYCLB. I have SUCH an issue with it. Pop, to me, was probably the pinnacle of “how far can we push it and people still think we’re sane” U2machine. This is a concept I can get down with. An excerpt from the other journal, 10/27/04:
“So Achtung Baby... brilliant fucking album. After rattle and hum, who knew this is what you would get next? This craziness! This randomness! The awesome outlandishness of it all. The excess and ultimate beauty of ZooTV. No one knew where it was coming from, but most of us who understood, just held on for the ride and the album, well, just fucking rocked. Then came Zooropa. This was one step closer to the pure, virginal future of rock music. This album was getting so close to the band u2 was destined to be. Some amazing tracks. Amazing! I didn't think they could surpass what they did with some of the songs on that album. Then came POP.
The band has gotten some crap for pop. People didn't understand it, didn't want to take the time to learn it. Here it is, years later and I still discover new things about it all the time. And one thing I do know is that POP is the album that u2 was destined to create. If you listen to songs like mofo or please... god. I don't even know how to describe. Epic, amazing, perfect. These are the songs that is what rock music was supposed to become. This was the album that was supposed to change everything we believed about pop music. The fullness and ingenuity of each song. After hearing pop the first few times, I already couldn't wait to see where the hell they were going to take us next. Every album was consistently getting more and more outrageous, unbelievable, silkysmooth... the next album should've blown us out of the water. ..."MoFo...to me, that's a reason to go out and play live, that song." Bono 1997
but then came "all that you can’t leave behind". On its own, a good album. Some really great songs. A couple. Yes. But this is the album that should've been the bridge between rattle and hum and Achtung Baby. The first time I heard it all the way through, I knew it. I knew they had taken a step back. That they had taken just a little too much criticism for pop, an album 90% of the population wasn't ready for. So they tried to remake Joshua tree. Or write a follow up album to it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great album, I just think they didn't follow the path they were meant to.”
I think I can pretty much still completely agree with this. (PS- looky here for completely unrelated fun.)
The thing people also like to forget that two of the most amazing songs in the universe were released as singles between Zooropa and POP: Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me (deserves its own post soon) and Miss Sarajevo (ditto). Two songs from entirely different planets. Then you suddenly get this single, “Discothèque” and it’s like … "What the hell? Is he srsly singing about bubble gum? Ok yes, let’s do this now." We know how it goes, they release that first goofy super exciting single first to get outsiders hooked then you buy the album for the mindblowers. (Vertigo? Numb? Sexy Boots? What? I wouldn’t release these songs as singles ever. But that’s me. I’m a snob.) I’m digressing so badly here. Sorry.
SO… Last night on earth.
I haven’t ever really made it a secret here or in real life to anyone who cares to listen. There are two really defining characteristics to me that I should probably be ashamed of but I wear like a scarlet letter with some sort of quirky pride. I have Panic disorder. I am a Christian (a really “technically” bad Christian, yes.) to run with the 30 something single hipster rock crowds and be totally down with talking about the Jesus, yes, this is shame worthy, and I only assume this because no one but me does it. I may be drunk and screwing a dude when I’m doing it, but I think He gets the general idea.
I was 14-ish when I had my first panic attack. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. Most of the songs Bono writes for me have a lot to do with me conquering the fear or telling my story. This song, more so than any other song he has written for me, blows my mind in the most obvious sense. If I was doing this in importance order rather than chronological, this song would be #1.
So panic disorder. Most people who suffer from this disease turn into agoraphobics; avoiding specific situations, hiding in the house, turning into associated manic depressives. I will admit to going through phases of these behaviours, but I am so god damned stubborn. My sense of denial is unbelievably strong. I have spent years ‘forgetting’ that I am going to panic in very specific phobia-inducing situations. Or, I know I’m going to do it, and I don’t care. I test people, I push limits, but only because I expect so much of it out of myself. I will try anything once. I will fly anywhere, even though it’s the thing I hate and fear the most. Fuck it. How else am I going to get there?
While in college, I pushed so hard that I overloaded myself. I tested so many limits within a year or so period that I almost crippled myself with repressed anxiety. Basically, for about 4 months I stopped sleeping entirely. I was running and living as hard as I could because I knew so intently how quickly it could all be over. I drank, I smoked drugs, I fucked dudes, I went to parties, I wrote and read slam poetry, I took walks in scary neighborhoods alone in the middle of the night, I met strangers and wandered off with them, and I auditioned for shows and came home on the weekends. I literally convinced myself that if I fell asleep, I would die. That was how wild my brain was then. I would find myself passed out every once in a while in a computer lab or on a friend's couch or in the bed, etc and I would wake up utterly panicked, jump, and run. I wasted time. I lost however long that was when I could be experiencing life. (Someone somewhere is going to understand what this all means. If Bono did, someone else will, too.)
Years later, I came home, Pop came out, I heard this song and I listened to the story of the last 6 months I was at ECU. Every night I was living like it was the last night on earth. I was giving away everything I had because I understood how well possessions were unimportant. I was waiting at the bus stop any hour of the day or night to just ride or explore (I didn’t have a car in Greenville.) I knew I was living on borrowed time. Sometimes it’s hard for me to not still think like this, believe it or not. I go through phases. I listen to this song and I’m right back in it. It’s good and bad.
She hasn't been to bed in a week
She'll be dead soon then she'll sleep
POP honors:
MOFO is amazing. I listen to this song A LOT. It could possibly be the U2 song on my iPod with the highest play count, after Window in the Skies (le sigh!).
Staring at the Sun is my brother’s favorite U2 song. This baffles me as I would never have pegged him as an optimist. Ever, ever, ever. Every time I listen to this song at some point I will think about it being my bro’s fav and I’ll say out loud, “Really???”
WHEN I LOOK AT THE WORLD
I swear I almost want to claim the UK import and say “Ground Beneath Her Feet” is the song off this album for me. But that’s just not playing fair. (See previous album tirade for explanation of my exasperation with this album.) I can’t HATE this album; there are a couple real gems, but so many stinkers for me. If this album was a picture my kid did at school and I really hated it, I would STILL hang it on the fridge and be like, “Good job, buddy!” but then I’d hide in a drawer after a week while he’s taking a nap. Yes, I know Walk On is on the album. Sometimes I really like that song and it really touches my soul; most times I feel like I am being coddled.
Two songs save this album for me: WILATW and Grace. (Quickie on grace: I love the whole idea and concept of God’s Grace. Also I want to have a daughter and name her Grace one day. That’s all really.) However, When I look at the World: Somehow between the constant vigil of my own deathclock via my panic disorder and having the Grace of God in my heart at all times, I have managed to live my life with this ridiculously intense view of Love. I am the eternal optimist. Sometimes I get really down (if I have somehow been disappointed by the unrealized manifestations of my own expectations, for example) but the majority of my life is lived with the whole motto, “Love first, ask questions later.” This doesn’t always work out, but most of the time it does. People always need love. If you’re just going to smile at them in the drive-thru, donate a kidney, do dirty things to their bodies, or give them a new car, extra smoke or a damn quarter… always with love; consequences be damned. Life is too short and God is too good. I really hope that makes sense. My most favorite quote in the universe explains it pretty well. If you know me, I’ve referenced this same quote a million times. I love this little girl more than words can say:
“It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...and yet...I think...this cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.” - Annelies Marie Frank
This song is for me and Anne. I am so honored to share her name. Just got choked up here, time for a break…
MIRACLE DRUG
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Redemption. How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is the album that should have come after Pop. I love to think of it as hard proof of the guys saying “My bad, here you go, this should make up for that mess.” and oh my it did. I have a tendency to say my favorite U2 album is “whatever one came out last” because that is the one I am listening to the most. I LOVE No Line on the Horizon. LOVE IT. But man, there is just something about HTDAAB that I WORSHIP. I listen to it probably more than any other album since it came out.
I have a tradition that I started with Pop. U2 new album release days, I take the entire day off work, go buy the actual disc at the store first thing and spend the day driving around, bonding (people, please do not underestimate my level of fandom here. I usually tell people "take the biggest fan of any band that you know, multiply that by 5, that's me with U2.) Usually there is a song or two that stops me dead in my tracks and I literally have to pull off the side of the road and cry my little heart out over. This is usually the Stalker song. For HTDAAB, that song is Miracle Drug. (note: the first BIG note in No Line on the Horizon, the actual song, i almost went off the road it hit me so hard... haha!)
Before I get into the Ego-aspects of the song, a few facts. The song was written about the Writer Christopher Nolan. As Bono says: “We all went to the same school and just as we were leaving, a fellow called Christopher Nolan arrived. He had been deprived of oxygen for two hours when he was born, so he was paraplegic. But his mother believed he could understand what was going on and used to teach him at home. Eventually, they discovered a drug that allowed him to move one muscle in his neck. So they attached this unicorn device to his forehead and he learned to type. And out of him came all these poems that he'd been storing up in his head. Then he put out a collection called Dam-Burst of Dreams, which won a load of awards and he went off to university and became a genius. All because of a mother's love and a medical breakthrough.” …Isn’t that beautiful? Also it’s one of the very very rare songs in which we get to hear Larry sing, always a bonus.
As for me, I’ve talked about my anxieties and how every album seems to have a “you can do it, keep going!” song for me on it. Miracle Drug is just about the most obvious of these songs. Around the time of the album’s release, I had finally found a prescription that made life bearable and the panic disappear for a while. This was called Effexor. I was on this SSRI for almost 3 years. It was my miracle drug. I eventually got off of this drug because I was just happy enough to not have any panic attacks, but then I was just happy enough to not face any consequences for my actions. It’s a delicate operation, but I eventually got to this place where I was like “ok I need to either accept this part of myself or repress it forever.” And life, friends and family intervened and I eventually went through a month of pretty serious cold turkey withdrawals. I’m happy to say without the occasional (mostly recreational) benzo and with the help of the most amazing therapist in the world, I’ve been daily med free since and have barely had any panic attacks in the past few years.
When I hear this song I hear Bono begging me to take a chance on life and take all this shit bulging out of my head and get it all down. This song is one of the reasons why this blog exists. It’s why all the journals are floating around the web and overflowing on my bookshelves. It’s why all the crappy-ish typographical art clutters my walls and I have a bazillion tumblr posts of nothing really significant to anyone else but me.
One of my favorite lyrics of all time:
“I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time... will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, Love!”
SO MANY MENTIONABLES ON THIS ALBUM!!!!
Vertigo: this song makes me speed. I have never been in the car with this song on that I don’t look down and see I am at least 20 mph over the speed limit.
Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own: first time I heard this song, I broke down. I know its Bono singing to his Da, but my brother and I both know it is my song to him. Also the video was filmed in the ambassador theater in Dublin, where I saw Morrissey in 2002. Also Bono is wearing a red shirt when that part happens. I like to think this is a secret message for me, as red is my favorite color.
Love and Peace or Else: I always think about this article in Blender mag before the album came out that said this song sounded like “Led Zeppelin playing Rockabilly in a dumpster.” I LOVE THAT LINE AND I’M SO MAD I DIDN’T COME UP WITH IT!
City of Blinding Lights: December 12, 2005. The second time I was with them. This was the first song they played. Magic. Favorite lyrics ever: “Blessings not just for the ones who kneel… Luckily!”
All Because of You: this song traumatizes me. The Bro and I have a joke. When we sing it (hard to grasp this one without audio, but try to follow,) we always sing, “All because of you!!! WROOOOOONG NOTE because of yoooou!” I hate that note. I love this song, I never skip it, but that is worst note in the history of all notes. I don't know if we were going for irony here, but how that one snuck past Lillywhite is beyond me.
Crumbs from Your Table: this is such an overtly political song but it has been my “fuck you why you gotta break my heart” song for ages now.
Yahweh: FUCK YES. (Please appreciate my ironic enthusiasm)
UNKNOWN CALLER
God. This album. It is prolific to me. It is like, ok if the Boys never released another one, if this was the last one I ever got, I think I would be ok with it. I honest to God don’t know how it could get any better than this. Unknown caller isn’t necessarily my *favorite* song on the album, but it is most definitely the one he stalked me HARDCORE to write for me. Like, it is effing EERIE with this one. Fav song on the album? Breathe... Come on now, let's not be silly.
This song is basically Bono letting me go. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like he is telling me that I can do it alone now. To briefly explain: I gave up the prescriptions and excuses and dove headfirst into a year of intensely effective Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I worked very hard to overcome a lot of demons and made serious progress with the help of the most amazing woman I’ve ever known with my best friend on the sidelines. At the end of the year, I was a completely different person. As a reward to myself for the progression and accomplishment, also as a gift for my 30th birthday, I went on a trip. My brother had gotten Lasik surgery for his 30th, my dad asked me if I wanted the same. I asked for a trip instead. My best friend being a travel agent and having a budget of about $3k, I did some quick thinking and made the decision to go where I knew my heart belonged all along: Paris.
In September of 2007 I packed up and left by myself to Paris. I was gone for a few weeks, I saw amazing things, I found my heart and left it there; I came back inspired and beautiful and always planning a way back. I never found a home like I found in Paris. I read back on my journal entries and look at the photos of that time and I miss it like a lover. My Toulouse-Lautrec, my Oscar, my Moulin, my Sacré-Cœur … There has never been one place where all the things I cherished the most were within walking distance. And I was all alone, I was free. Except apparently, Bono was watching.
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
I was alone; I had no consequences for anything I chose to do while I was there. I had tentative plans yet always wandered off in the wrong direction and found treasures. Fuck it. I was jet lagged, my sleep schedule was whacked. The first night I slept in Paris I woke up sometime after 3 in the morning, spent a few minutes digging for my cell phone, deciding to call my parents. In my sleep daze I sat there completely baffled as to why the call wouldn’t go through. I suddenly remember I'm on the other side of the world and wandered down to the lobby and pay 2 Euros for a can of soda, which at the time was about $3. Honest to god, this really happened.
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
One of my last days. I went back up to the Basilique (my hotel was so close to it, I went several times.) the Sacré-Cœur, apart from the Eiffel Tower is one of the highest points in the city. I sat at the top part of the bottom escaliers. Not two hours later, I was sitting outside the Pont de l'Alma tunnel, crying my heart out for Diana and reading memorials. I made some sort of life decision to be a princess of humanity or something then. I flip flop on that, but I remember it vividly. I sat there for a long time. That was the day I *meant* to go the Pompadou but wound up at Shakespeare and Co (the only time i spoke English the whole time i was there!) and then sitting outside watching street musicians for the rest of the day.
Best. Day. Ever.
Restart and re-boot yourself
You're free to go
This was Bono basically telling me, here is your reward; Live long and prosper. Live every day like its Paris and Here is one more song just for you. How could he ever top this one?
Thanks, daddy. xoxox
Those who know me and have known me for any length of time know two distinctly defining facts about me: I am the biggest U2 fan on the planet other than maybe the band’s actual family and it is next to impossible to listen to any two or three songs in a row without me having a story or trivia fact about one of them, not only U2 songs. Very often, when any two or three U2 songs are played in a row, I am most likely telling you a story and a fact about all three. Then I probably get choked up and cry because the story is so intensely personal to me.
This oral regurgitation of self validation through having deeply connected memories to songs is how I relate to the world. I use music to say the things I cannot and do not know how to say. One of the reasons I am such a huge U2 fan is because these boys have said the clearest and most frequently accurate things I’ve ever wanted to say. I think there is only one U2 memory posted so far in this blog, but if I allowed it to happen; every other post would be about a U2 song. I try and refrain.
I was walking back from the capitol building today and feeling pretty low. There are many things in the world wrong right now for me. My heart, my faith, my finances, my friendships, my health; everything is just a little bit off. I’m feeling like if just the wrong Jenga piece is moved my whole life is going to come crashing down, so it’s a very delicate balancing act for me at the moment. I was drawing nearer to my office and the song “Last Night on Earth” from the Pop album came on my iPod. I remembered things, how bad life could be for me, if I let it get that low, and how in comparison this is a cake walk. Then I started thinking of all the U2 songs that could fill this blog if I let them. U2 songs are my band-aids for life. They are good for what ails me. They are always my cure-all.
Then I started thinking about my “Bono Stalks Me” theory and laughed. This is all in fun, to an extent. But if you are close enough to me for me to tell you some real heavy shit and the right U2 song happens to come on the radio, you will hear all about this theory. I thought about breaking this entry down into individual songs, but I think one big Epic “Bono Stalks Me” post will suffice; get all the hilarity out at once. And by hilarity, I mean TOTAL SERIOUSNESS.
The theory is this: Since the release of Achtung Baby, Bono has secretly stalked me and written one strikingly perfectly specific song for me on each album as a secret message to not give up and to remind me I am on the right path… or something like that. On Each album, including Achtung, there has been at least one song that is so profoundly appropriate for whatever I am going through or have just gone through in my life, that it makes me think that Bono either has spies, reads my livejournal, or is my father somehow (this is my fav. explanation. This is why when I see The Man on TV and such I yell, “Oh, Daddy!”).
I shall now break down for you by album the specific songs that were special gifts just for me. (A few of my friends [basically only summer and J9] and my brother have heard this list before. Please know that 99% of this is for fun. The other 1% believes in that kind of magic, of course. The sincerity of the deep meaning these songs have for me is most definitely there. And now through the power of supposed anonymity, I will share with you! )
THE FLY
I have told the story in 100 different ways about how I found The Boys. A kid in church, Brian, was one of my life long besties and I thought I had a crush on him. He tells me about this new album he’s rocking out so hard to; I of course immediately go buy it. I see Mysterious Ways about 1,000 times on MTV and fall head over heels. 1991: I am 13. I spend the next few months in a haze, my brain expanding to this sound. I’m also going through puberty, so I’m highly susceptible to suggestion. I rush home every day after school to lock myself in my room with my stereo blasting and I burn candles and write bad 13 year old poetry. I start doubting everything I am doing because I am fat and awkward and I can’t get boys to pay attention to me, but I am an artist. I am a writer. Look at how smart I am and what exceptional taste I have! I start to realize that the majority of the kids around me are beneath me intellectually, aesthetically, spiritually, existentially, and emotionally. On every level. I find one or two kids I connect with, I fiercely cling to them. I start to understand art for art’s sake and the joy of aphorisms.
This is the first of the stalking songs, so it came up slowly. I didn’t recognize it at first. The most important lesson we (I) can take from this song is one very significant line “Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief” – art is art, it is all resurrected and regurgitated and it is what it is. I start checking out Mapplethorpe and Warhol and Yeats. I fall helplessly in love with Oscar Wilde, Morrissey, and Siouxsie Sioux. I start accepting new levels of absurdity and profundity. My vocabulary expands, I buy fly shades, I swagger, and I start caring less and less about what people think and more about expressing myself at every possible turn. There's a lot of things, if I could I'd rearrange.
The FACTS: I remember reading an interview in Rolling Stone (I think) where Bono said this song was “the sound of four men chopping down a Joshua Tree.” The B-Side to this single, Alex Descends Into Hell for a Bottle of Milk / KOROVA 1 still remains to this day one of the most fucked-up and mind blowing things I’ve ever heard. I still play it for a select few and say “GUESS WHO THIS IS YOU WILL NEVER GUESS!!1!!11” Then I laugh about how it was on the stupid damn Johnny Mnemonic Soundtrack (Oh brother.) One day, before I had my driver’s license, obviously, I sat down with my vcr, a frame by frame remote (dad had bought some fancy thing) and my VHS copy of Live from Sydney and literally wrote down every word and phrase that came across the screens during this song. (Note to the universe: Where is this hat and why can’t I have this hat? Or at least a reasonable reproduction.) This song also has the world’s best guitar solo and this cannot be denied under penalty of law. Edge also makes the world’s sexiest faces in this video. (See mins 2:25 and 4:12 – HOLY GOD. WANT TO TOOCH.) I have spent years looking for edge's necklace from this video. i bought a bedazzler SPECIFICALLY to make those pants. I fell so helplessly in love with this band i want to look and act and feel and sound just like them. Practically every fashion decision I've made since 1991 had been in direct correlation to Bono. I love and appreciate men so much i want to look like them, in general. I sometimes wonder how the hell I'm not a lesbian.
OTHER ACHTUNG NOTABLE MENTIONS:
Trying to throw your arms around the world: my brother bought twelve’s for the trunk of his Prelude SPECIFICALLY for the bass on this song. This is one of the reasons why I love my brother so much. It was literally the first song we listened to with them.
Zoo Station: I am virtually incapable of hearing the opening of this song and not time traveling to March 7, 1992 at the Hampton Coliseum.
Ultraviolet: this is a spinning song (note, turn volume on left video all the way up, turn volume on the right all the way down. welcome to my brain.) I have a hard time not spinning when I hear this song. I have spun to this song more than any other song. I think I've explained the spinning in this blog before.
Acrobat: very much one of my very fav songs by the boys. It is beyond me at this juncture to explain why.
DADDY’S GONNA PAY FOR YOUR CRASHED CAR
There are two very distinct levels of awesomeness for me with this song.
First, the easy one: The glitter devil. The rise of MacPhisto; excess, temptation and gold lamé. After seeing Sydney on Pay-per-view (yes I paid $40 to watch a u2 concert on TV and THEN bought the vhs, THEN the DVD) and witnessing the backstage transition of the Man into the Devil, the mind she was blown. I was totally corrupted by this persona. I dressed as him for Halloween that year and have had a hard time talking myself out of dressing like him every year since. People who are heavy duty U2 fans have a strangely deep affinity for this character, me included. He is the personification of all things extravagantly glamorous in the age of the Zoo.
There is a lot of …debate about the true meaning of this song. Could be as simple as a dad always bailing his kid out. Lots of people believe since the live version is preceded by the serenade from the spacebaby singing the Red Army version of La Rocher Sur La Volga, it has something to do with the fall of the Berlin wall or something political. Lots of people believe it has something to do with drug addiction.
For me personally, it’s a little bit from column A and Column C. Zooropa came out in 93. I was still in high school, and this song was always a fav, but it didn’t dawn on me that it was written for me until much later, after I had left home for college and was on my own for the first time in my life. After I had dove head first into the world of panic disorder and insomnia. (More on this part when we get to Pop.) I was a daddy’s girl my whole life. My dad, even now bails me out when I need him. I can take this song very literally. Or I can work the interpretation skills and read into how dependent I became on benzodiazepines and psychotropic medications when I dropped out and came home to Raleigh. I started out on Prozac and then went into Imipramine for my panic attacks, which were, at this time, on a pretty constant basis. At least two or three a day. If I missed a dose, I was “a baby's fist”. Sometimes I think Bono/MacPhisto mocks me with this song, but it doesn’t in any way impede me from believing it wasn’t specifically written for me.
OTHER ZOOROPA MENTIONABLES:
Numb: a close second. See above mentioned psychotropic medication addiction.
Dirty Day: inexplicably one of my most favorite U2 songs, as well. For years if I am in the right mood, I can listen to this song and lose my shit.
LAST NIGHT ON EARTH
Oh my, it’s so hard to choose the ONE song on Pop that speaks to me on the deepest level. I have another personal journal I’ve kept online for many years (I’ve made mention of it here before) and have had many a tirade or confessional session about the Boys. One of the biggest mindfucks in the world for me was the transition from Pop to ATYCLB. I have SUCH an issue with it. Pop, to me, was probably the pinnacle of “how far can we push it and people still think we’re sane” U2machine. This is a concept I can get down with. An excerpt from the other journal, 10/27/04:
“So Achtung Baby... brilliant fucking album. After rattle and hum, who knew this is what you would get next? This craziness! This randomness! The awesome outlandishness of it all. The excess and ultimate beauty of ZooTV. No one knew where it was coming from, but most of us who understood, just held on for the ride and the album, well, just fucking rocked. Then came Zooropa. This was one step closer to the pure, virginal future of rock music. This album was getting so close to the band u2 was destined to be. Some amazing tracks. Amazing! I didn't think they could surpass what they did with some of the songs on that album. Then came POP.
The band has gotten some crap for pop. People didn't understand it, didn't want to take the time to learn it. Here it is, years later and I still discover new things about it all the time. And one thing I do know is that POP is the album that u2 was destined to create. If you listen to songs like mofo or please... god. I don't even know how to describe. Epic, amazing, perfect. These are the songs that is what rock music was supposed to become. This was the album that was supposed to change everything we believed about pop music. The fullness and ingenuity of each song. After hearing pop the first few times, I already couldn't wait to see where the hell they were going to take us next. Every album was consistently getting more and more outrageous, unbelievable, silkysmooth... the next album should've blown us out of the water. ..."MoFo...to me, that's a reason to go out and play live, that song." Bono 1997
but then came "all that you can’t leave behind". On its own, a good album. Some really great songs. A couple. Yes. But this is the album that should've been the bridge between rattle and hum and Achtung Baby. The first time I heard it all the way through, I knew it. I knew they had taken a step back. That they had taken just a little too much criticism for pop, an album 90% of the population wasn't ready for. So they tried to remake Joshua tree. Or write a follow up album to it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great album, I just think they didn't follow the path they were meant to.”
I think I can pretty much still completely agree with this. (PS- looky here for completely unrelated fun.)
The thing people also like to forget that two of the most amazing songs in the universe were released as singles between Zooropa and POP: Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me (deserves its own post soon) and Miss Sarajevo (ditto). Two songs from entirely different planets. Then you suddenly get this single, “Discothèque” and it’s like … "What the hell? Is he srsly singing about bubble gum? Ok yes, let’s do this now." We know how it goes, they release that first goofy super exciting single first to get outsiders hooked then you buy the album for the mindblowers. (Vertigo? Numb? Sexy Boots? What? I wouldn’t release these songs as singles ever. But that’s me. I’m a snob.) I’m digressing so badly here. Sorry.
SO… Last night on earth.
I haven’t ever really made it a secret here or in real life to anyone who cares to listen. There are two really defining characteristics to me that I should probably be ashamed of but I wear like a scarlet letter with some sort of quirky pride. I have Panic disorder. I am a Christian (a really “technically” bad Christian, yes.) to run with the 30 something single hipster rock crowds and be totally down with talking about the Jesus, yes, this is shame worthy, and I only assume this because no one but me does it. I may be drunk and screwing a dude when I’m doing it, but I think He gets the general idea.
I was 14-ish when I had my first panic attack. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. Most of the songs Bono writes for me have a lot to do with me conquering the fear or telling my story. This song, more so than any other song he has written for me, blows my mind in the most obvious sense. If I was doing this in importance order rather than chronological, this song would be #1.
So panic disorder. Most people who suffer from this disease turn into agoraphobics; avoiding specific situations, hiding in the house, turning into associated manic depressives. I will admit to going through phases of these behaviours, but I am so god damned stubborn. My sense of denial is unbelievably strong. I have spent years ‘forgetting’ that I am going to panic in very specific phobia-inducing situations. Or, I know I’m going to do it, and I don’t care. I test people, I push limits, but only because I expect so much of it out of myself. I will try anything once. I will fly anywhere, even though it’s the thing I hate and fear the most. Fuck it. How else am I going to get there?
While in college, I pushed so hard that I overloaded myself. I tested so many limits within a year or so period that I almost crippled myself with repressed anxiety. Basically, for about 4 months I stopped sleeping entirely. I was running and living as hard as I could because I knew so intently how quickly it could all be over. I drank, I smoked drugs, I fucked dudes, I went to parties, I wrote and read slam poetry, I took walks in scary neighborhoods alone in the middle of the night, I met strangers and wandered off with them, and I auditioned for shows and came home on the weekends. I literally convinced myself that if I fell asleep, I would die. That was how wild my brain was then. I would find myself passed out every once in a while in a computer lab or on a friend's couch or in the bed, etc and I would wake up utterly panicked, jump, and run. I wasted time. I lost however long that was when I could be experiencing life. (Someone somewhere is going to understand what this all means. If Bono did, someone else will, too.)
Years later, I came home, Pop came out, I heard this song and I listened to the story of the last 6 months I was at ECU. Every night I was living like it was the last night on earth. I was giving away everything I had because I understood how well possessions were unimportant. I was waiting at the bus stop any hour of the day or night to just ride or explore (I didn’t have a car in Greenville.) I knew I was living on borrowed time. Sometimes it’s hard for me to not still think like this, believe it or not. I go through phases. I listen to this song and I’m right back in it. It’s good and bad.
She hasn't been to bed in a week
She'll be dead soon then she'll sleep
POP honors:
MOFO is amazing. I listen to this song A LOT. It could possibly be the U2 song on my iPod with the highest play count, after Window in the Skies (le sigh!).
Staring at the Sun is my brother’s favorite U2 song. This baffles me as I would never have pegged him as an optimist. Ever, ever, ever. Every time I listen to this song at some point I will think about it being my bro’s fav and I’ll say out loud, “Really???”
WHEN I LOOK AT THE WORLD
I swear I almost want to claim the UK import and say “Ground Beneath Her Feet” is the song off this album for me. But that’s just not playing fair. (See previous album tirade for explanation of my exasperation with this album.) I can’t HATE this album; there are a couple real gems, but so many stinkers for me. If this album was a picture my kid did at school and I really hated it, I would STILL hang it on the fridge and be like, “Good job, buddy!” but then I’d hide in a drawer after a week while he’s taking a nap. Yes, I know Walk On is on the album. Sometimes I really like that song and it really touches my soul; most times I feel like I am being coddled.
Two songs save this album for me: WILATW and Grace. (Quickie on grace: I love the whole idea and concept of God’s Grace. Also I want to have a daughter and name her Grace one day. That’s all really.) However, When I look at the World: Somehow between the constant vigil of my own deathclock via my panic disorder and having the Grace of God in my heart at all times, I have managed to live my life with this ridiculously intense view of Love. I am the eternal optimist. Sometimes I get really down (if I have somehow been disappointed by the unrealized manifestations of my own expectations, for example) but the majority of my life is lived with the whole motto, “Love first, ask questions later.” This doesn’t always work out, but most of the time it does. People always need love. If you’re just going to smile at them in the drive-thru, donate a kidney, do dirty things to their bodies, or give them a new car, extra smoke or a damn quarter… always with love; consequences be damned. Life is too short and God is too good. I really hope that makes sense. My most favorite quote in the universe explains it pretty well. If you know me, I’ve referenced this same quote a million times. I love this little girl more than words can say:
“It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...and yet...I think...this cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.” - Annelies Marie Frank
This song is for me and Anne. I am so honored to share her name. Just got choked up here, time for a break…
MIRACLE DRUG
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Redemption. How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is the album that should have come after Pop. I love to think of it as hard proof of the guys saying “My bad, here you go, this should make up for that mess.” and oh my it did. I have a tendency to say my favorite U2 album is “whatever one came out last” because that is the one I am listening to the most. I LOVE No Line on the Horizon. LOVE IT. But man, there is just something about HTDAAB that I WORSHIP. I listen to it probably more than any other album since it came out.
I have a tradition that I started with Pop. U2 new album release days, I take the entire day off work, go buy the actual disc at the store first thing and spend the day driving around, bonding (people, please do not underestimate my level of fandom here. I usually tell people "take the biggest fan of any band that you know, multiply that by 5, that's me with U2.) Usually there is a song or two that stops me dead in my tracks and I literally have to pull off the side of the road and cry my little heart out over. This is usually the Stalker song. For HTDAAB, that song is Miracle Drug. (note: the first BIG note in No Line on the Horizon, the actual song, i almost went off the road it hit me so hard... haha!)
Before I get into the Ego-aspects of the song, a few facts. The song was written about the Writer Christopher Nolan. As Bono says: “We all went to the same school and just as we were leaving, a fellow called Christopher Nolan arrived. He had been deprived of oxygen for two hours when he was born, so he was paraplegic. But his mother believed he could understand what was going on and used to teach him at home. Eventually, they discovered a drug that allowed him to move one muscle in his neck. So they attached this unicorn device to his forehead and he learned to type. And out of him came all these poems that he'd been storing up in his head. Then he put out a collection called Dam-Burst of Dreams, which won a load of awards and he went off to university and became a genius. All because of a mother's love and a medical breakthrough.” …Isn’t that beautiful? Also it’s one of the very very rare songs in which we get to hear Larry sing, always a bonus.
As for me, I’ve talked about my anxieties and how every album seems to have a “you can do it, keep going!” song for me on it. Miracle Drug is just about the most obvious of these songs. Around the time of the album’s release, I had finally found a prescription that made life bearable and the panic disappear for a while. This was called Effexor. I was on this SSRI for almost 3 years. It was my miracle drug. I eventually got off of this drug because I was just happy enough to not have any panic attacks, but then I was just happy enough to not face any consequences for my actions. It’s a delicate operation, but I eventually got to this place where I was like “ok I need to either accept this part of myself or repress it forever.” And life, friends and family intervened and I eventually went through a month of pretty serious cold turkey withdrawals. I’m happy to say without the occasional (mostly recreational) benzo and with the help of the most amazing therapist in the world, I’ve been daily med free since and have barely had any panic attacks in the past few years.
When I hear this song I hear Bono begging me to take a chance on life and take all this shit bulging out of my head and get it all down. This song is one of the reasons why this blog exists. It’s why all the journals are floating around the web and overflowing on my bookshelves. It’s why all the crappy-ish typographical art clutters my walls and I have a bazillion tumblr posts of nothing really significant to anyone else but me.
One of my favorite lyrics of all time:
“I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time... will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, Love!”
SO MANY MENTIONABLES ON THIS ALBUM!!!!
Vertigo: this song makes me speed. I have never been in the car with this song on that I don’t look down and see I am at least 20 mph over the speed limit.
Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own: first time I heard this song, I broke down. I know its Bono singing to his Da, but my brother and I both know it is my song to him. Also the video was filmed in the ambassador theater in Dublin, where I saw Morrissey in 2002. Also Bono is wearing a red shirt when that part happens. I like to think this is a secret message for me, as red is my favorite color.
Love and Peace or Else: I always think about this article in Blender mag before the album came out that said this song sounded like “Led Zeppelin playing Rockabilly in a dumpster.” I LOVE THAT LINE AND I’M SO MAD I DIDN’T COME UP WITH IT!
City of Blinding Lights: December 12, 2005. The second time I was with them. This was the first song they played. Magic. Favorite lyrics ever: “Blessings not just for the ones who kneel… Luckily!”
All Because of You: this song traumatizes me. The Bro and I have a joke. When we sing it (hard to grasp this one without audio, but try to follow,) we always sing, “All because of you!!! WROOOOOONG NOTE because of yoooou!” I hate that note. I love this song, I never skip it, but that is worst note in the history of all notes. I don't know if we were going for irony here, but how that one snuck past Lillywhite is beyond me.
Crumbs from Your Table: this is such an overtly political song but it has been my “fuck you why you gotta break my heart” song for ages now.
Yahweh: FUCK YES. (Please appreciate my ironic enthusiasm)
UNKNOWN CALLER
God. This album. It is prolific to me. It is like, ok if the Boys never released another one, if this was the last one I ever got, I think I would be ok with it. I honest to God don’t know how it could get any better than this. Unknown caller isn’t necessarily my *favorite* song on the album, but it is most definitely the one he stalked me HARDCORE to write for me. Like, it is effing EERIE with this one. Fav song on the album? Breathe... Come on now, let's not be silly.
This song is basically Bono letting me go. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like he is telling me that I can do it alone now. To briefly explain: I gave up the prescriptions and excuses and dove headfirst into a year of intensely effective Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I worked very hard to overcome a lot of demons and made serious progress with the help of the most amazing woman I’ve ever known with my best friend on the sidelines. At the end of the year, I was a completely different person. As a reward to myself for the progression and accomplishment, also as a gift for my 30th birthday, I went on a trip. My brother had gotten Lasik surgery for his 30th, my dad asked me if I wanted the same. I asked for a trip instead. My best friend being a travel agent and having a budget of about $3k, I did some quick thinking and made the decision to go where I knew my heart belonged all along: Paris.
In September of 2007 I packed up and left by myself to Paris. I was gone for a few weeks, I saw amazing things, I found my heart and left it there; I came back inspired and beautiful and always planning a way back. I never found a home like I found in Paris. I read back on my journal entries and look at the photos of that time and I miss it like a lover. My Toulouse-Lautrec, my Oscar, my Moulin, my Sacré-Cœur … There has never been one place where all the things I cherished the most were within walking distance. And I was all alone, I was free. Except apparently, Bono was watching.
I was lost between the midnight and the dawning
In a place of no consequence or company
3:33 when the numbers fell off the clock face
Speed-dialing with no signal at all
I was alone; I had no consequences for anything I chose to do while I was there. I had tentative plans yet always wandered off in the wrong direction and found treasures. Fuck it. I was jet lagged, my sleep schedule was whacked. The first night I slept in Paris I woke up sometime after 3 in the morning, spent a few minutes digging for my cell phone, deciding to call my parents. In my sleep daze I sat there completely baffled as to why the call wouldn’t go through. I suddenly remember I'm on the other side of the world and wandered down to the lobby and pay 2 Euros for a can of soda, which at the time was about $3. Honest to god, this really happened.
I was right there at the top of the bottom
On the edge of the known universe
Where I wanted to be
I had driven to the scene of the accident
And I sat there waiting for me
One of my last days. I went back up to the Basilique (my hotel was so close to it, I went several times.) the Sacré-Cœur, apart from the Eiffel Tower is one of the highest points in the city. I sat at the top part of the bottom escaliers. Not two hours later, I was sitting outside the Pont de l'Alma tunnel, crying my heart out for Diana and reading memorials. I made some sort of life decision to be a princess of humanity or something then. I flip flop on that, but I remember it vividly. I sat there for a long time. That was the day I *meant* to go the Pompadou but wound up at Shakespeare and Co (the only time i spoke English the whole time i was there!) and then sitting outside watching street musicians for the rest of the day.
Best. Day. Ever.
Restart and re-boot yourself
You're free to go
This was Bono basically telling me, here is your reward; Live long and prosper. Live every day like its Paris and Here is one more song just for you. How could he ever top this one?
Thanks, daddy. xoxox
12 January 2009
U2 - BAD
There are songs I have heard my whole life, written before I was born, that I know as well as my own heartbeat. Songs that mean so much to the global ear that you would be a fool to overlook them… All You Need is Love, Born to Run, Baba O'Riley… etc… But for me personally there is one song that has meant more, carried more weight, stopped my heart, broke me down and built me back up again over and over again. A song that even after hearing it a billion times, if it catches me in the right way, I will cry like a baby 99% of the time … that song is "Bad" by U2.
I was a little slower than some on the U2 train… In the early 90's I was hitting puberty head-on and becoming a panic-obsessed depression monger, as I think many of us were around 13 or so… nothing was making sense to me and the world was really sucking… this conflicted with my carefree retarded-ness of my childhood (I was fat and awkward, but I didn’t care, I was funny, I was a good artist, etc…) and the teaching of my church that I had gladly accepted and reveled in. But for most, puberty is when hairs grown, hips protrude and boobs appear... this happened to me as well, but what I remember most about puberty is the sudden and overwhelming shock and utter disbelief that the world really kinda sucks. People are cruel to each other, people starve to death in my own back yard, animals are tortured for hair products… a million reasons to stay indoors, burn candles and write bad poetry, which is what I did for the next 3 years.
But somewhere in the middle of this darkness and sorrow, a blinding bright ray of hope shone through… a kid I'd known since birth had given me a copy of Achtung Baby. I was intrigued to say the least. I had just recently decided to damn all top 40 Billboard stations and work on expanding my musical snobbery. I had already discovered bands like Siouxsie or The Smiths… I had a mental block telling me U2 were too big and I wouldn't be able to connect... I have one piece of advice for you all, if you really want to fuck up a 13 year old, give them a copy of Achtung Baby. I, literally, until that first note of Zoo Station, had no idea music could sound so good and so interesting, mean so much, inspire so much passion, propel such beliefs and give me so much hope all at once. Immediately, within the week, I did some research, (which was back then, non-internet, and consisted of me begging a ride off my mom to the library so I could go look up old issues of rolling stone and billboard magazines,) found out how much more of this music I was missing and immediately began a quest.
That next week, two things happened… I bought a copy of the Unforgettable Fire and a VHS copy of Rattle & Hum. Both of which contained the song "Bad." I will admit the Rattle & Hum version hooked me first. I had been preoccupied with the majesty that was Pride (In the Name of Love) on the actual LP, but to see the man sing "Bad." It gutted me. There is something about this version that brought it all home.
Maybe it has something to do with the shirtless, sweaty, be-suspender-ed, long haired Bono. Or Edge's bolo-tie, cowboy hat, Indian braid and quilted vest combination. Larry's baby face and concentrated grimace? Adam's cool confidence and mini-head-banging-session towards the end… The moment when both Edge and Adam are facing Larry, all stomping to the beat… the Sympathy for the Devil tie-in… the bittersweet tune, the astounding lyrics… the creaky silly woowoo's!... so much to love in one song.
I have watched this video no less than three times this morning, trying to pick the one thing I could say that stands out the most. The perfect moment to say, "This is the moment U2 becomes the greatest band in the universe to me." And every time, around 2:38… the first scratchy, powerful "Wide Awake! I'm not sleeping…" I lose it. I just lose it every single time. I get chills and feel tears well up in my eyes. And I believe that is the moment when I finally, for the first time, felt understood by someone in the world. That someone that I'd never met, somewhere I'd never go, might know how I feel. It's the moment I realized that there was a name for the feeling of hyper-awareness of all things rotten that you pray will be better one day… for you, for your family, for the world… It's the moment I knew that God could use people in places you wouldn’t expect to give you hope in ways you never thought possible.
Suddenly, there I was at 13 thinking, "I am awake. Wide awake. I know what's going on, by God. I get it!"
I've since learned the song was written in reference to a friend of Bono's who was a heroin addict. As I grew older, the song meant other things to me. When I was in the middle of a severely abusive relationship with an alcoholic, but I didn’t have the self-confidence or knowledge to get out of it, the song became my prayer. For him and for me. That he could let it go. That I could let him go.
This is something I have never admitted to anyone. It's been so long now and I've forgiven myself for everything that happened back then… but he would manipulate and force me to steal things so he could get money for alcohol or drugs. I was a dumb kid. He convinced me I was horrible and ugly and no one but him would ever have me, and he barely wanted me as it was, so I had better take what I got. So one afternoon after we had driven around to a couple different bookstores so he could steal books and then trade them at other book stores for cd's, then in turn sell the cd's to record shops, I had the Wide Awake in America EP in the player. And on the way to the store to exchange the stolen books, something just snapped. And I suddenly figured out what was going on. I had somehow conveniently ignored the beatings and name callings and theft and lying to friends and family for him… and the myriad of other red flags that were trying to tell me to get the hell away from this guy… and then suddenly out of no where, this song hit the right nerve in the right place in my brain and it finally struck me… this song was a prayer. For a friend who needed help. And I was that friend. And Bono was praying for his friend to take care of himself, to love himself. And in a way, maybe Bono was praying for all of us. Even me.
We got to the store and I refused to go in. the name calling and threats hurt, but I didn't go in. One more major fight two days later, after two years in hell, he finally moved out.
That was seven years ago.
Since then, when I hear this song, I hear passion. I hear re-birth, I hear retribution, but mostly, I hear a prayer for everyone I ever loved to be safe. To take care. I hear a prayer from a very good friend to take care of myself.
This song makes me think of: U2, Rob, a bus drive back from a U2 concert, My brother, grace, redemption and peace
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