I am a Cancer. More specifically, I am a Cancer/Leo cusp. This cusp is known as the “cusp of oscillation” … You get the best of both signs: Cancer’s sensitivity; the moon, water, kindness, attraction to home/silence/quietness… then Leo’s wildness; the sun, fire, attention seeking/confidence/strength. It all makes for a hugely delicious clusterfuck of fun and moodiness. I tell people I’m a nice bunch of girls and that I am ruled by opposites. There is no gray area in my life; all or nothing. I use astrology as a tool to understand life, a subject I am constantly probing. I cannot ever remember a time when I was not soul seeking on some existential/transcendental/religious/psychological level. I recently found my little diary I kept from ages 8 to 14 in my parents’ attic… It is full of love declarations and soul seeking. Sound familiar? I am nothing, but if consistent. Astrology is one of those little tools I pick apart, like self help books, the bible, meditation, daydreaming, etc… to figure out who I am, who you are, why we are here, why we are friends, why we connect, why I love you, etc. I like to think this is a great asset; the constant questioning, the constant self-review; but there are times when it becomes hyper-criticism and I am cruel to myself. Standards for explanation and understanding are set too high and I fail to find answers that others seem so easily to see… what is love? How do you find a partner and make it stick? How do you find your life’s purpose? What is your life’s purpose? How do accept and stay satisfied with the choices you’ve made?
It almost seems irresponsible to me to not consider astrology a piece of the puzzle. Take for example: My closest friends and greatest lovers have all been Libras… Their balance and rationale evens out my moods and recklessness. The majority of my family (mom, brother and niece) are Pisces (the one sign that eludes me, their depth is somehow beyond my own and they are just too damn good at hiding it!) This song reminds me of the one Pisces in my life whom I didn’t automatically adopt, but who inadvertently became a major part of my life… Samara.
The first time I remember meeting Samara, I was so jealous I could spit nails. I was with Rob Roy at my coffee shop and she stopped by the table to say hello to him. They were old friends. She was so beautiful and unique looking and tall and cool; there was no way I could compete with a girl like that.
Backstepping to that hyper-criticism bit, one of the things I've never understood or been able to explain away about myself is one of the worst things about me. It is the thing my best friend points out to me constantly... I have this inner voice that tells me that I am not good/cool enough to be friends with certain people or to date certain men. This is obviously a self-esteem shortfall and depending on my mood I will either aggressively deny it or sadly nod my head "yes." Samara was always one of those Raleigh elite, way-too-cool kids that I never assumed I would be friends with. Then somehow, the way life likes to do, I was proven wrong. Samara and Jeannine (best friend) were friends all along. As I became closer to Jeannine, Samara came as like, a package deal. Eventually, somehow, we started hanging out on our own. Strange coincidences cemented our die hard friendship... We both started dating Brits. Hers was in London, mine in Liverpool. Throughout all this drama, (we both were engaged to these fellas at one point, neither of us actually marrying. well, at the time. Samara and hers eventually did marry, much later down the road...) we became sounding boards, shoulders, coffee buddies, cheerleaders and eventually close and dear friends.
Samara has that gorgeous Pisces trait that I am seethingly jealous of... follow through. Most Pisces have the "dream out loud disease", in fact it was Samara who either coined that phrase or was a major part of its conception... She wanted to live in California, she did it. She wanted to go to beauty school, done. Nursing school? done. Pisces are so good at letting their dreams run wild, but then figuring out how to just.... do that shit! Get the gumption and go! I still find myself hung up on the "wouldn't it be cool if?...." and staring off into space for 2 hours, then being entirely too lazy to break out of my comfortable routine. Samara is never afraid to just take a chance... why not?
Samara and I have spent the last ten years or so pulling each other out of pity party pits. Never judging each other for that need to just, sit at the kitchen table sipping whiskey and cry your heart out on a sunday afternoon. we have listened to each other weep, bitch, moan, gloat, brag, love, hate and dream dream dream! I have never been afraid to tell Samara exactly what i was feeling because i know on that precious Piscean level, there is no emotion that isn't okay or justifiable. She exists on a level where emotional/personal justice and lioness-protecting-her-cubs ferocious loyalty is not questioned, it is just done. I cannot tell you how much i appreciate this fact about her. She would not hesitate to do anything for those who love her best. I absolutely cannot wait to see her as a mother, because I think this is where these amazing attributes of hers will shine. When I hang out with Samara, I never forget to thank God that I have her in my life, I am really lucky to know her, love her and have her on my side.
Samara is one of the handful of people whose musical tastes I trust. I remember on of the first mix cds she ever made me, which was actually a CDR overloaded with mp3s that my car at the time would play, this song was one of the firsts on the list. It was a song I had known for a very long time, but for whatever reason, it became the ethereally beautiful aural representation of my too-cool friend. I think Cocteau Twins, I think Samara. I hear Elizabeth Fraser's voice, I hear Samara.
(samara & i, totally sober i'm sure, in front of ye olde jackpot. xoxo)
No comments:
Post a Comment